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[Failer]

I found this on the dwarf mode forums and decided it had enough effort put into it to be brought over here.
It was in a thread about Dwarf Fortress on Earth.
It's especially funny if you're from Colorado.

"This is Bob Harding with TFN news, bringing you more sensationalist bullshit than you can handle. The mysterious deforestation of the high slopes of the Colorado rockies has finally been solved today. Environmentalists and forest workers have discovered a cave entrance that seems to lead to an underground community belonging to some sort of cult or secret society. Our on the scene reporter Amy Expendable had more information."

"Thank you Bob, things are shaping up into a very disturbing picture here. When the cave mouth was first discovered by helicopter survey teams what appeared to be shabbily dressed men were seen around the cave mouth, but there has been no signs of movement by any of the land based teams. There is evidence that a large number of individuals have been using the cave entrance but no contact has been made. Several rangers were killed earlier today when they attempted to enter the cave and contact the inhabitants. Reports are sketchy but it seems that some sort of incredibly complex mechanical trap was built inside the cave mouth as a protection measure, surviving rangers have reported falling rocks and giant spinning serrated blades. Law enforcement agencies and the army have been called in to resolve the situation, and this is shaping up to quite possibly be the bloodiest cult or terrorist bust in the history of Colorado."

"Thank you Amy, we are receiving reports from Wade Whirlybird our eye in the sky that a large group of tanks and soldiers can be scene approaching the cave mouth."

"That's right Bob it looks like the military aren't pulling any punches here, I see tanks, APCs, and plenty of trucks driving up the crude road leading to the cave mouth. This won't be the first cult or domestic terrorist group the army has had to dig out of a high mountain cave system, and they seem to be planning to directly storm the cave entrance without attempting any sort of negotiation first. I can see them readying the tear gas, and it looks lik eany second now the dozer equipped tanks are going to take a shot at whatever killed the rangers. Wait, something is happening! It appears that some kind of disguised gates have opened up above and around the main cave entrance. We can't really see from up here, do you have anything Amy?"

"Can't help you wade, we can see the openings but there is no light inside, we're hoping this will be some sort of surrender but the army appears to believe that this is some sort of trick to draw them in. Wait we can see something in the tunnels, it appears to be light of some sort. OH MY GOD IT'S LAVA RUN RUN RUN!!!!!"

"Wade what's going on down there?"

"It's looking to be some sort of volcanic erruption. There are no active volcanoes in this area so this should be a small, WHAT THE HELL IT'S A FLOOD OF MAGMA!!! Oh god it's moving too fast none of them are going to make it. Oh god I'm hit, they have some sort of primitive anti air devices hidden in some of the tunnels. I'M GOING DOWN! TELL BOB HIS TOUPEE LOOKS LIKE A DEAD RACCOON!!!!!"

"Amy? Wade? It appears we've lost contact with our reporters on  the scene. You saw it here first folks, an unprovoked attack by a dangerous terrorist group on unarmed reporters. We are receiving reports that the a state of emergency has been declared and the air force may be mobilized. Now to Jake Erving at Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs."

"Bob it's pure mayhem here, bombers and helicopters are being scrambled, but it appears that the crisis up in the mountains is not the only one. There are reports that we've lost contact with NORAD and the final transmissions before communications were severed are very disturbing. It started with reports of seismic activity on the lower levels, but soon after frantic reports of heavily ARMORED that's right not just armed but armored intruders. From the sound of it somehow a group of terrorists has managed to tunnel into NORAD and it would seem they managed to bring some kind of miniature tanks in with them. There is speculation that the events up in the mountains are connected with the invasion of NORAD, the timing seems too much to be a coincidence. From what we've heard the entirety of Fort Carson has emptied out for an all out attempt to reclaim NORAD before the terrorists assume complete control. Wait a second it seems that communications with NORAD have been restored, and the terrorists are making demands. The speaker appears to be their leader, he has introduced himself as Urist KittenEater, and claims to represent the Oranges of Steel Lillies. I'm having some trouble understanding the accent but it sounds like they're demanding beer, socks, cheese, and caged animals. Everyone here seems a little confused and attempts to clarify are underway"

"You heard it here first terrorist seize NORAD and demand socks. We can only speculate as to the meaning of these demands, but one thing is certain today is a dark day for the United States, and indeed the whole world."

[LordSlowpoke]

...

Your nick is Failer, and you registered ONLY to repost some guy's story here.

I am suspicious.

[Argembarger]

Liberal Dwarf Squad.

[Itnetlolor]

Anyone willing to attempt to recreate this scenario in DF (or even as a story done with ASCIIDraw)? Otherwise, I do see this as a rather pointless post as well.

[Mangled]

Well I liked it.