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[Alexhans]

Inspired in the anime Deathnote... I discovered a psychological way to deal with  ugly situations.

I was pissed at a group of friends I have (not my closest but still had great times with them) for certain incident that doesn't really matter.

I couldn't sleep at night going over it again and again.  Angry about their "stupidity", "stubborness", etc... It was half anger, half sadness...

So I grabbed a notepad and remembered Deathnote... But eliminating people is not the answer as Light-kun should know...

So I wondered... What if I could write down their motives?  What if I could understand them?  Then I could easyly forgive them and sleep in peace.  Doesn't matter what they do on the other end.  I will be fine. 

So I did.  I analyzed their personalities.  Looking at their strenghts and weaknesses.  And I understood.  And I forgave. 

I know there's some sort of technical explanation for this.  Writing your problems is a way to look at them from a more objective perspective and a way to lose steam.

You can't imagine the peace that I felt after I had done this.  I could look back at them with fondness again... Knowing why they act like they do.  What are they afraid of and how they cling to a state of security that allows them to feel good about their lives.

Good therapy.

You may not be able to change people (although they might change or realize stuff after some time) but you're able to understand them and accept life as it is.  Key to happyness.

Farewell. 

[Zironic]

Are you in highschool?

[Alexhans]

Does it matter? 

[Zironic]

Yes. Because the answer will change my response.

[Alexhans]

I'm interested.  What would you answer in each case?

EDIT:  Whatever... I don't really care.  No, I'm not in highschool.  In highschool I could just talk to my friends the following day.  Face to face.

[The Architect]

I'm interested.  What would you answer in each case?

It would allow Zironic to make quick, possibly (or even probably) accurate judgements about your character and level of maturity. I think the specific responses are less important than understanding that much.

Remember that even though you went through what you see as your friends' personalities and motivations, those are only your perception of them and not necessarily the reality.

[Alexhans]

I understand that I can't read minds.. However, I do know them, so I think I can guess their motives half way accurately.

Besides, I'm not trying to prove my powers of observation or anything... It was just a nice exercise to accept things how they are instead of troubling myself thinking solely from my POV.

Also,  I don't really need advice on this.  Thanks.  I was just sharing what I experienced.  Maybe it should go in general discussion?

[Siquo]

Meh, you are giving advice, and a good one, so I vote it stays.

Well, several advices, even:
- Having or not having Happiness is not something others do to you. It's what you do to you.
- Forgiveness is stronger than revenge.
- Trying to guess the motives of other people from their perspective helps a lot in life. Even if you're wrong, they still get the benefit of doubt.

Inspiring story, Alex!

[Zironic]

It is entirely possible to try to predict why people do certain things. But the freudian idea that every action has a nice reason is not right. Psychologist found that you can't think of someones disposition more than the situation they are in. It's call situational psychology. People will act differently according to different situations.

Psychologist find people who consider situations over disposition are generally happier and more agreeable.

Everyone has a bad day.

That's why I asked what grade level you were in. Because the advice/judgement I lay down will be accordingly based on the situation.

[Alexhans]

It is entirely possible to try to predict why people do certain things. But the freudian idea that every action has a nice reason is not right.

I never said they were nice reasons but trying to understand them makes it easier to not be angry with the other...

It's like trying to understand the thief who just robbed you... You know he was born in a shantytown so you might find some peace by justifying what he did in some way.  You don't think he is right, you don't think he did it because he thought it was the best, or to feed his family (maybe he just wanted money for booze), but you know where it came from.  You know it wasn't random. 

The situational psychology you mention seems interesting... But I think it's a combination of both external and internal factors.  I mean, different people (internally) may not act in the same way when presented equal situations. 

oh, and thanks Siquo.

by the way, Zironic, my age is in my profile... You wouldn't make a good detective, would you? 

[Zironic]

It is entirely possible to try to predict why people do certain things. But the freudian idea that every action has a nice reason is not right.

I never said they were nice reasons but trying to understand them makes it easier to not be angry with the other...

It's like trying to understand the thief who just robbed you... You know he was born in a shantytown so you might find some peace by justifying what he did in some way.  You don't think he is right, you don't think he did it because he thought it was the best, or to feed his family (maybe he just wanted money for booze), but you know where it came from.  You know it wasn't random. 

The situational psychology you mention seems interesting... But I think it's a combination of both external and internal factors.  I mean, different people (internally) may not act in the same way when presented equal situations. 

oh, and thanks Siquo.

by the way, Zironic, my age is in my profile... You wouldn't make a good detective, would you? 

Well, internal factors mainly adjust the intensity in which you act, not how you act. This is shown in the Zimbardo Prison Study (Which I have seen the horrifying pictures of due to psychology). People who were made guards together gradually became more cruel as they became to adopt their roles and the prisoners began to adopt the attitudes of prisoners who believed they really couldn't leave (they could by just asking). However, people's internal dispositions only did two main things: How long the prisoners took to breakdown and how quickly the guards ramped their intensity. What was shocking however, is all of these people were 100% normal and healthy. With Healthy lives and healthy backgrounds. The study continued until Zimbardo brought his girlfriend to see the prison with her quickly stating how unethical it was. He too had become drawn into a role. One of scientific observing.

But, you are right, people act differently. But it has nothing to do with personality or disposition but experience and conditioning. People will make decisions which benefit them the most. (Not necessarily selfish) or that draw attention to them the least. I could go on to explain how groups also fundamentally change things too, a.k.a groupthink and the erosion of individuality, but it's mostly pointless because you are dealing with individuals.

[Siquo]

You know it wasn't random. 

Or even worse: aimed at you. The number of people who actually believe that "the world" hates them because random bad stuff happens to them is huge.

Putting things in perspective can really help there.

And you're welcome.

Zironic, every action you make is based on disposition and situation, why would one choose one over the other? Although imagining yourself in the position of the other is probably easier to do, and stops you from labeling people "He did that because he is Chaotic Evil" or something
This isn't about true motives, it's about made-up motives that help you emphatise with your fellow human beings.

[Kagus]

Zimbardo Prison Study

It should be noted, however, that within the ranks of the prisoners and the guards there were still individuals.  Some guards were malicious and cruel beyond need, others simply did their "job".  Others still actively tried to help make things easier on the inmates.  By all accounts, these people were all in the same situations, and yet they acted differently.

Yes, situations can bring out entirely new and different sides to people, but they are certainly not the sole defining feature of a person's behaviour.

[Cthulhu]

Related to the Zimbardo thing, there was also Milgram's experiment where he had people shock other people if they got a memory question wrong.  They weren't really shocking the other person, he was an actor, but they thought it was real.  Two thirds of them went all the way to 450 volts, even when the person stopped responding entirely (as if he were dead or unconscious), just because the experimenter told them to.

[Zironic]

Related to the Zimbardo thing, there was also Milgram's experiment where he had people shock other people if they got a memory question wrong.  They weren't really shocking the other person, he was an actor, but they thought it was real.  Two thirds of them went all the way to 450 volts, even when the person stopped responding entirely (as if he were dead or unconscious), just because the experimenter told them to.

Using the placement on the person getting shocked and the person telling them to doing the shocking they were able to raise the rate to near 95%. It means 95% of people pressed a button labeled XXX DEADLY AMOUNT OF VOLTAGE. The power of authority is amazing.