I know I'm already doing X-Com, and I should be working on the DF modpack, but I've have a strong need to play Pokemon hacks of dubious quality as of late. Starting with: Pokemon Quartz.
Pokemon Quartz is a hack of Pokemon Ruby made by a guy named Baro released in 2006. It's infamous for its sub-par quality sprites, poor grasp of the English language, and questionable design choices. It has a blatant self-insert, inside jokes, an admittedly cringy attempt at romance, all this fun stuff.
Despite the infamy surrounding this hack, it was one of the largest finished hacks in its days, and all things considered it's quite impressive for what it is - a solid, well polished (in a way) hack made by one kid in his spare time.
Without further ado, let's get started!
A cat thingy is looking at a not-Latios while riding a turkey at a ludicrous speed. That's the reality of life in the world of Pokemon Quartz. God, I wish.
EGGS!
SOCK PUPPETS!
A LIZARD THING FLYING THROUGH THE SKY!
I'm already pumped, are you? I knew you wouldn't!
Hullo! What's with the ominous ellipsis there... OK!
Breeze Town doesn't sound too wild; maybe we're not up for anything crazy after all?
I don't remember ever living in Kanto. Sure, I knew a lot of dweebs who looked exactly like you, Baro, but I suspect you're only using this fact for some sinister goals. I'm not joining your pyramid scheme, if that's your deal. OK!
So we're in CORNA, and this PLUG-OINK is supposed to be funky. Gotta say, I've seen a lot of less funky pokemans in my life, some even official
(delphox, primarina, crabominable, every single ultra beast). I wouldn't go as far as to call it cool though; funky is enough.
I bet there are many other uses for pokemon. For example, I wonder what a Plug-oink tastes like...
He knows what he's done. He knows what I'll have to suffer because of the world he's crafted to be my prison.
The sprites are surprisingly decent. The guy looks like what I imagine neckbeards think they look like. I unironically like his shades. The girl looks like a ten-year-old. I gotta say, this hack makes way better job with making both characters equally interesting-looking than real Pokemon games.
Since the most prominent let's play went with the girl, I'll go with the guy... dude.
Joseph, Lance, Gary... Koc? Pronounced cock? Otro seems like a fine name, so let's go with that.
Hmm...
That's meeee!
Here you go, keep the change. Ohai doggy!
I was trapped in the truck with this man the whole time? A man trying to get me into his pyramid scheme by pretending to be my friend from a country I've never been to while not even knowing if I'm a man or a woman? I'm glad I hadn't been shanked on the way, because Baro seems seriously unhinged.
the moving.
When arrive home. OK!
I'm hearing from here
He's so excited he turned from Spanish to German. Ooh Hans, I vill capture ze pokemon, ja! Find zem in ze grass and put zem in meine balls, ja!
I know he's laughing in Spanish.
I'm quite literally attatched to my huevos, and I know what a person like Baro might keep in those boxes, so I'm not that curious.
Mom, why do you care about Baro's well-being more than about me? I mean, sure, I just got out of the truck and he's still in there, possibly under a pile of porn mag-filled boxes that fell on him the moment I stepped out. Or was she worried about me killing him in self-defense?
Is there a place where birds don't sing and wind doesn't blow? Unless pigeons don't count as birds anymore.
That hurt on a metaphysical level. Having said that, it also hurt me physically.
Yeah, the workers whose job is literally moving stuff are just like animals trained to do that as a cool trick. I wonder if they also get paid in kangaroo kibble or whatever you feed kangaroos.
K NP m0m.
Making ZAPPING is all I do these days, give me a break, game. I have no idea if this is a reference or an in-joke, maybe some old Spanish meme?
Fuck you, game, it's 10
o'clok deep in my heart.
After I set the
clok, mom came down to tell me we have cable TV now. Wait a minute! I live in the basement? Go figure.
Fine, I'll go look that, but if it's not about him being eaten alive by a wild animal...
Huh, I was right, he really is being mauled to death at this very moment. Maybe mom will pay more attention to me than to him once he's gone.
Let's stop for a moment and think about what just happened: Baro was attacked by a rabid animal in El Shitholito, Andalusia, which was somehow televised. Mom told me to go tell neighbors about it, then the neighbor told me to tell her daughter to take her skates and go to the next town to call the cops. Yeah, this is what people of Corna are like.
She's intimidated by my Bono shades and I don't blame her.
It's actually Ran saying all of this, pretending she's having a conversation. It's a coping mechanism perhaps? Or maybe she's trying to creep me out, since I'm just standing there staring as voiceless protagonists tend to do?
I won, she got weirded out first. Ran doesn't actually care about Baro, or even knows who he is, but the mood in the room got so awkward that she had to evacuate no matter what. My shades give me +2 to awkwardness, cringe, and reflex saving throws, so I'm good.
"But actually I'd prefer if you just got out of my fucking room." Also "an strong boy".
I roll to feign ignorance.
I'm so good at pretending to be a bumbling idiot that Ran gave up on trying to send me subtle hints.
At least she's aware that wasn't a socially acceptable thing to say. A lot of autistic people have trouble recognizing that, so good on you, Ran.
Here is Baro! Don't worry, buddy, the cops will be here in about an hour! Unless Ran completely ignored my request, which would be a completely reasonable thing to do, now that I think about it.
I can't just rummage through another person's man purse! We live in a society governed by social norms, and that is not okay!
I don't understand a word you just said. Or was it just the sound of you being mangled by a rabid opossum? Fine, I'll steal one of your pokemans, if that's what you want.
Firegg, Aquegg, Seegg. Which one will it be?
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Topic: Pokemon Hacks with SQman - Pokemon Quartz (Read 4150 times)