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[Drakasin]

First of all, I am not a native English speaker, so mistakes will happen and all that jazz.
Because I don’t really know where to start, a little backstory would be in order so you could understand my situation in this I guess. It’s going to be long, though.

I am a Junior in high school, just like this friend I’ll be talking about. We noticed about two years ago that we go the same route to school every morning, and that we don’t really live that far apart. So, we somehow decided we’d be meeting at a place where both of our routes to HS cross. That’s been going for two years now, and we started talking and stuff. I never really considered her a sort of deep friend or something, just more of a talking buddy on the way in and out of school. She appeared to be thinking of something deeper, though, and inadvertently she started revealing her life problems to me. Not the best person to seek counsel at, to be honest, as I am just as troubled in my personal life, but that’s not what I want help with. I discovered a lot about her that way, some that I never really wanted to know. That led her to seek my help in numerous situations where I tried my best to give her advice and push her into the right direction (I had to be careful, she’s really brittle), but… well, she never listened, and that’s why she’s where she’s now.

Over those two years she seemed to have attached herself to me in a way that seems almost ridiculous. She considers me her best (and only) friend, and she made me the epicenter of all her life problems, an island to keep her from drowning. But it seems to me that through all of the advices I give her, she never listens and deliberately goes back into the deep waters to begin drowning once more, only to seek me again and again.  And, you know, I am still just a person trying to do something good once in a while, and she’s still a person, so I try to help. But what she’s done now is way over my head, and so I need an advice from people that are older and way more skilled in the complications of life.

To cut to the chase, she’s pregnant, at the age of 17, with, according to her, a womanizer who, according to her, beats her (I never saw any bruises, could be just that he hits her at the “right” places). She lives with this man, almost nine years older than her, because she was thrown out of her house by her mother. (Now, before you scream “Pedophile!”, sex is legal where I live from the age of 15). This friend of mine and her mother are so incredibly stubborn, you could cut diamonds on their brains. From what I heard, her father pleaded her to return home, but she refuses, and so does her mother. Her father seems to be the only sensible person in this situation; the problem is he works in a faraway distant city so he could make more money for his family. Her mother works, too, but she lives here, so she’s the de facto leader of the house – thus the reason why the father didn’t force this friend (whom for better to comprehension I’ll now call Ema) to return home.

The situation with her mother and Ema is really stupid. I feel like they both want the same things, but they still somehow to manage to fight over this ‘til the blood flows in rivers. They both refuse to admit their faults and just rather plain not talk with each other. This resulted in her trying to commit feeble suicide attempts. I urged her to seek counseling, a psychiatrist, but as I said, she’s just one damn stubborn child, and so is her mother who appears to not give a fuck. I didn’t yet manage to catch her when her mother’s home, as it appears she’s never there. Now, Ema also has two brothers, and she feels that their birth was the beginning of her alienation with her mother, that her mother threw her away as an unsuccessful experimentation. Ema loves her brothers, though, and I feel like they’re the last safety net before suicide.

Anyway, their conflict escalated, Ema was thrown out, and now she has to live with this womanizer. How does she know he’s cheating on her? Cell phone, and a lot of juicy messages. She seems to have discovered he has a child in Switzerland and a family in Britain, and perhaps another child somewhere in this country. And now she’s pregnant with him. That’s her own fault, though, as their relationship was always one big disaster. She just seems to have created an unbreakable emotional attachment  to him, and when they did break up one time, she tried to again commit suicide… twice. When their relationship began, I knew from what I’d heard this was going to end in tears, and again tried to convince her to break it up and never return to him. In the end, I was right, and she again didn’t follow my advice.

Now, that’s where I am. She wants my help to get her out of this situation, but I don’t know what to do. The problem is, I feel pretty apathetic to her situation. That probably makes me a bad person, but I just can’t believe how she could’ve been so blind and stubborn when all the signs pointed to the imminent disaster that now resulted in the discovery of this man being a womanizer just as she found out she was pregnant with him. Yeah. I don’t really know what to do. She dragged me into her cycle of problems without me really knowing and now I can’t really get out unless I help her solve this in a sensible way. I told her to immediately get away with him, but in her words she can’t, she just feels “too emotionally attached.” I told her to seek professional counsel, but she refuses to go to the doctor. I am the only person who knows she’s pregnant, by the way, and she told me to not tell anyone, but I feel like the only person who can help her right now is her dad, whom I can’t contact without Ema or her mother knowing, because they’re the only people who can get me in contact with him.  I could ask her little brothers, but they love her and they’d just tell her I tried to contact her dad. If I tried to bring in professional help, she’d just probably off herself or run away. If I told her mother, their conflict would probably only escalate more, since she was even capable of throwing her child out the door over some trivial matters.
She’s in a dark place now, and I don’t know how to help her. Or, if I should even try, let her figure it out herself, but I don’t think that’s the way to go about this situation.

Any advice? If you want to know more, just ask, and I’ll try to answer to the best of my knowledge.

[whatever1works]

While i'm no expert on anything, here's my 2 cents:

Option 1:
You distance yourself away from her, and rationalizing that its not your problem. Move on with your life and your own problems. After all you don't consider the 'Best Friend' status of your relationship to be 2 way. Ask yourself, what do YOU gain from that relationship verses what you put into it. E.g. If you are just a vent for her life problems, and you gain nothing else (do you get to vent too?), then there's really no reason for you to anything major really, and i mean. Really, what CAN you do?


Option 2:
Perhaps something inside of you feels some sense of duty or obligation to help this semi-friend of yours. Something gives you the feeling that helping your friend get back on track will make for a better friendship that YOU yourself may need in the future.
As her (presumed) best friend, you wield her TRUST, and given the dubiousness of her other relationships, you might be one of the strongest voices for her at the moment. So use that.

IMO this boyfriend sounds like bad news so i think she should seriously get out of that relationship before she things get REALLY messy (I.e that baby is born and the beatings get worse [they will]). While of course its up to your friend whether or not to have the baby, ask her whether she's considered the financial strain of caring for one, as well as the emotional rollercoaster that that child may never really get to know its father, or that it will lack a father figure in its life. Babies are serious responsibilities, they need stability, love and time.
How much time would she be able to devote to that baby? It's likely that kid may also be raised partially by her parents. And there's nothing wrong with that, but does she entrust HER child with her mother.

Generally speaking, i think the best you can do for her is to offer logical sound advice that question what her long term goals are. How are her studies? What are her employment aspects? While some emotional support is good, i think the best thing you can do for her is warn her of whats going to happen if she keeps up this relationship. I think for best results, give her the breakdown in a less time restricted place (say a cafe, or the park, or your place or something) because trying to explain this stuff on the bus just won't work.
Give her one good warning or chatdown. Then if she doesn't listen again.. then there isn't really much you can do. Go to option 1.
Its possible that perhaps you distancing yourself will be the final thing that makes her clock on. But other than that.. there really isnt much you can do other than PERSONALLY getting involved (like face to face with the boyfriend or mother).. but i don't think you'd want to that.

Anyway, ignore me if you want, after all, its your life. Just my insight.

[Drakasin]

Thanks for the advice.

Option 1 is something I've considered, and something I sort of regret I didn't do before she made me the center of her problems. However, if I'd distance myself from her now, she'd lose the only voice of support in this matter, which would, from past experiences, lead her to do something drastic. Something like suicide, no matter she's pregnant or not. Another thing is, even if her suicide would be unsuccessful, her baby would probably not make it, as she's chosen a specific way out – pill overdose. No, backing out now is not an option. While I don't really feel empathetic to her situation, as she's the one who drove herself into this mess, I am not apathetic to her as a human being that put their trust in me. If there's even a chance she'd kill herself because of me backing out, I'd never forgive myself. If I at least try to solve this and fail, I'll know I have at least tried.

Option 2 is something I've been sort of doing for the past two years, always offering her logical sound advice. But, as you said, I'll need to have a deeper conversation with her. I'll do that ASAP, but first I'd like to hear a few more advices and opinions. I'll also try to get in contact with a trained professional, a psychologist perhaps, to help me solve this problem. However, I don't know if her not being an adult would force the psychologist to talk with her parents. If that happened, she'd know it was me, and that would be the end of it, just like in option 1. But I think that's what I'll do if the talk doesn't help and if I don't get to contact her father.

[LordBucket]

Any advice?

Maintain your apathy. Offer honest advise. Don't become attached to her, her situation, or to the idea that she'll follow any of your advice. If her situation improves,continue to keep your distance and don't be surprised if she spectacularly breaks everything again.

Whatever you do, do not become romantically involved with her.

[DJ]

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I'd distance myself if I were in your shoes. Don't let her blackmail you into getting involved in her drama, you had no part in making of it and you bear no responsibility for what comes out of it.

If you really must do something, notify the social services about the situation.

[Drakasin]

So, Ema called about three hours ago, inviting me over. She also, which surprised me, said she was at her real home, with her parents and brothers, not at that asshole. I asked if her mother was there, and she was. I saw that as an opportunity and came over. You're probably facepalming right now, but really, I treat this as an opportunity to learn. It feels almost surreal, this situation I found myself in. It feels as if I am some part of a B-movie with a b-movie romantic plot or something. Anyway, so I come over, and I immediately embark on the foolish quest to try to talk some sense into her. I think I might've made a mistake by coming over, but she was pretty persistent. She's amazing at that, and I am not heartless.

Anyway, we get into talking. I tried to explain that her relationship with this womanizer is really bad, then I tried to talk some sense into her to talk with her mother, because they're both the same. When I came over, it seemed like a completely normal situation between a mother and a daughter to me. Her mother was teasing her and stuff, something my parents do to me all the time, and it's all in good fun. I think she's just taking it too seriously, and her mother doesn't realize, I don't know. What it basically came down to was that she confessed the bastard probably wasn't in love with her, and that she thought he was sent to her by God, because she prayed for a boyfriend. Yeah, well, I am a believer (not a christian, though - never was baptized, but I should be next month) and I know God isn't such an asshole, especially when it's God's decree that love is the strongest thing in the world. The problem was talking her out of thinking he was a godsent. I think I managed to convince her of the opposite, but I am not quite sure. Anyway, she appears to realize what a douchebag he really is, and I'll have to work on reinforcing that a little more. She's also supposedly not pregnant, since she got into "her time," so to speak. She was really happy about that, and I appealed on that that it was God giving her another chance not to fuck it up. She promised no more sex with him or anyway, really, and she seemed pretty adamant about that. She should be good in that regard now.

Now, the problem is we talked, and we also talked about other things. We talked for three hours, we laughed, we joked like real friends do, we didn't really just talk about her problems anymore. And then, at the end, she was pretty happy. Genuine laugh and happiness, I tell you – something that happened thanks to me. And she hugged me, too. Twice. Genuinely. I think I might have fucked it up in that regard. I immediately diffused the situation when she joked about "us" as in "us," by saying it would never work since she wanted children and I didn't. She agreed, and it appeared she really was just joking since she still had this "love" thing for the womanizer. Anyway, I left, after three hours, tired, but strangely happy. I don't really have all that many friends, to be honest. No "deep" friends, that is, only people I sometimes hang out with, go to the cinema and talk about women with etc. People tire me, so I stay at home a lot, and my older brother is really my best friend and the only one I really need, but knowing that someone cares outside my family... I don't think I can really stay too apathetic to her after this. Another thing I fucked up, I guess, but it feels nice knowing someone cares, and that I can care back in limited regards (mind you, I will not allow myself to fall into the pit of her life until she pulls herself out, then I'll consider becoming really her friend). It feels nice not being too apathetic and cynical, to come out of that shell, even if I stuck only my finger out. This is therapeutic for her just as it is for me now. The lost helps the lost, eh?
But don't worry, I did follow your advice. I still feel overall detached from the situation, just felt nice talking with someone like a friend, instead of just being a counselor. And hey, life experiences! Maybe after this I'll be able to help others out in similar situations. And also now I know I tried, and that's enough for me no matter what happens from now on.

Thank you for all your advice, and more would most surely be still appreciated, even though I feel like I am beginning to get this situation under control. I'll keep you updated, especially if shit starts to hit the fan again, so please don't lock the thread.