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[Mesa]

For the past couple of months (6 or so), I've been struggling to make it through life with some very crippling mental health problems which ultimately lead to me being left in a broken, confused and depressed state.

While I'm not exactly antisocial (quite the opposite) and I don't do anything morally or legally questionable (and don't plan to, ever), I'm not very social, in real life at least - I don't like going to parties or cinemas or whatever, even with my best friends of which I don't really have many, especially right now. At least not here. Thankfully the Internet did let me get in touch with some absolutely amazing people who really seem to care about me and it's my biggest goal to eventually meet them and move somewhere nearby. Sadly, they're all thousands of kilometers away (mostly in Canada and the US, the former of which is my dream goal to immigrate to), and while I'll be visiting one of them in the summer for 2 weeks if school doesn't go completely horribly for me (more on that later), it really is a depressed thought that I won't be able to get out of here for many years (2.5 years of high school at least before I can even start thinking about it, but the chances of me being able to leave as early as then are basically nonexistent).

I could get a job, but I'm scared of that because, well, I never had a job (and nobody should be expecting me to, but still) and due to my crippling self-esteem issues (which I talked about here) I'm worried that nobody will want to hire me and even if they did, I'd be a liability to the company and get fired after a short while or something. My social awkwardness doesn't help either as I get very stressed around unknown people (and a lot of people, for that matter) so any kind of retail job is basically off the charts for me. It's not like I'm an unfriendly person but I can't really start discussions or small talk for very long.
I'm also really opposed to going to college university, partly due to my grades being not great right now and my social anxiety just making it worse. Yes, I've heard stories of people who went through hell in high school before meeting some of the best people of their life in college or whatever, but I just feel like I'm too dumb for higher education.


I'm in a computer science-oriented school but the thing is, I'm bad at math. And I don't mean "below average", I'm really bad at it. I barely managed to advance last year due to just how bad my math (and physics) grades were looking and this year it's even worse, and just by looking at our current book, it's not gonna get any easier. I'm basically positive I have dyscalculia, it's been an on-going problem for me to keep up with math for all of elementary and middle school, and now it's only getting worse. I'm trying to study it but no matter how hard I do it (alone or with the help of my sister's boyfriend), I just can't get it. I hate it.
The most annoying part about it is that it just seems so useless and impractical to me, even though I'm studying in the IT field of things. Polynomials, trigonometry, whatever, I don't understand any of it no matter how much I try to. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, getting punished for it and having essentially zero motivation to learn it. Not only that but because of exit exams at the end of high school (matura, with the international equivalents such as A Level and Arbitur, as Wikipedia is trying to tell me) it's not even a "learn, pass and forget" situation. It all seems so complex to me that I have pretty much no idea how the hell am I supposed to pass that exam.

Yes, it's still years away, but that's the problem...I get very, very anxious about things that are about to come, no matter how distant they actually are. Something is constantly making me scared and uneasy and even if I try to distract myself from it, it all eventually keeps coming back at me and I don't know how to deal with it.

Sure, high school isn't strictly mandatory for me anymore but without graduation I'm pretty much nothing, not to mention that me and my mom would be in an even worse financial state since right now we're basically living off a family rent that's only made not-the-worst by the fact I go to school.


Never having a legitimate girlfriend is also a real mood killer to me with just so many people around me living in happy relationships making me ...maybe jealous is not the right word, but it's certainly making me feel very lonely. But because I think I'm a little more social around English-speaking people (at any rate I really hate talking in Polish, which gets me slightly worried about the Polish matura exam...especially the oral part. Ugh.) but even if I were to finally move out of here, my social awkwardness would make it really difficult for me to to find that SO...

[quamzie]

And are you sure, that changing the country is the way to achieve happy existance? I am not a psychology specialist, but I suppose, that your problems are connected with lack of social skills, and social skills dont magically appear, when you change place. Being in another country, where way  of thinking and the flow of life can be quite different  may be even more stressful then already known surroundings .

About  educational problems.. I dont know, if in Poland you can concentrate with three - two subjects you are good at and go to
uni with exam results of those subjects, like it works in Russia. Are you supposed to certainly have excellent maths?

Girflriend topic is not actually that awful, unless you concentrate your thoughts on it and become jealous. like : WHY EVERYBODY HAS AND I DONT, LIFE IS SO CRUEL,  and drain yourself with it.  I would advice on focusing your efforts on anxiety and educational problems, because those things are going to affect your life in long terms. Girls somehow happen eventually, when you manage to become an interesting to talk/be with person, at least this is how it happened with me.

Good luck some polish dude.

[Mesa]

This is me.

And are you sure, that changing the country is the way to achieve happy existance? I am not a psychology specialist, but I suppose, that your problems are connected with lack of social skills, and social skills dont magically appear, when you change place. Being in another country, where way  of thinking and the flow of life can be quite different  may be even more stressful then already known surroundings .
It's true that I'm a little worried that a massive change like that could potentially leave me in a bad situation - without any of the old friends or known faces, completely unaware where everything is or how to get by or how to live in general. But it's a change that I really am willing to go through. I'm not expecting myself to pull a personality 180 and suddenly have all my disorders and anxieties axed the moment I move out, but I really don't see myself living happily or successfully here for very long. I use English more frequently probably more fluently than Polish by now, and I seriously don't have many friends (irl or otherwise) in here that I could potentially fall back on, which is something that moving out would hopefully provide me with - right now I basically feel like an immigrant despite being in my home country.

About  educational problems.. I dont know, if in Poland you can concentrate with three - two subjects you are good at and go to
uni with exam results of those subjects, like it works in Russia. Are you supposed to certainly have excellent maths?
From what I can tell, there are 6 obligatory exams at the end of high school here - 2 oral exams (Polish and a foreign language one, English in my case, which really is the only exam I'm not worried about) and 4 written ones - maths, Polish, foreign language (again, English here) and one extra. The minimum amount of points is 30% for all exams.

Not to mention that there's also the basic-advanced level dichotomy going on (some exams have to be taken at the advanced level, obligatorily in some cases, others only need to be passed at basic level).

It's technically possible for me to not write a particular exam for winning a (major) competition from the given subject, but that's really unlikely to happen for maths considering that I failed to get past the semifinals at the school English competition, and that was my strongest bet. It's essentially impossible for me to avoid these exams, and with the exception of the English one, they all scare me greatly.

Girflriend topic is not actually that awful, unless you concentrate your thoughts on it and become jealous. like : WHY EVERYBODY HAS AND I DONT, LIFE IS SO CRUEL,  and drain yourself with it.  I would advice on focusing your efforts on anxiety and educational problems, because those things are going to affect your life in long terms. Girls somehow happen eventually, when you manage to become an interesting to talk/be with person, at least this is how it happened with me.

Again I feel like it's mostly a case of me not really having very many friends here to begin with, much less someone I would have romantic feelings for. I know that someone that I could click with exists out there, here or elsewhere, but it really hurts to not have them by you sometimes...
Good luck some polish dude.
Thanks.

[LordBucket]

SO...

Thank you for sharing how you feel.

Did you have any questions? I don't see anywhere where you say that you want help or advice with anything.

[Mesa]

SO...

Thank you for sharing how you feel.

Did you have any questions? I don't see anywhere where you say that you want help or advice with anything.
Eh, I primarily wanted to vent my thoughts (not that it's the first place I'm going with all that to, just in case somebody thought I'm keeping this secret from my friends, family or psychologist).
But like...I'm just confused and uncertain on what to do once (and if) I graduate since it's not going to be anywhere near feasible for me to just move out like that (and I'm pretty certain that without work experience or money I wouldn't even qualify for any of Canada's immigration programs). I'm scared of university, I'm scared of work, I'm scared of everything. But I don't want to spend my entire life in this boring country where basically nobody cares about me. Polish feels like a second language to me at this point and I hate using it.

[Hetairos]

I've been through this exam, so if there is anything about that in particular you might want to know, ask away.

[Ghills]

I'm sorry life is being so hard.  It sucks when that happens.

But it's not a permanent state, or at least it doesn't have to be.  Try finding a shelter or something to volunteer at, a way to make somebody else's life better. Even if it's just volunteering to help your family out with something. 

Have you gotten evaluated for dyslexia or other learning disabilities?  That can make a huge difference.  Accommodations might be possible with legal documentation, but simply knowing the problem will help with making strategies to address it.

Would changing your major be helpful? Sometimes it can really bite to realize the time spent studying a subject was wasted, but better to switch now than be stuck in a field that's a horrible fit. If the math for strict computer science is a problem, maybe an adjacent IT field like information systems, informatics, etc would be a better fit. 

Don't worry about a relationship now. Fixing individual problems will make you more attractive.  Also, be sure to dress appropriately, bathe, groom, etc (sorry to mention it, but some comp sci guys don't realize this is important!).

[Mesa]

I'm sorry life is being so hard.  It sucks when that happens.

But it's not a permanent state, or at least it doesn't have to be.  Try finding a shelter or something to volunteer at, a way to make somebody else's life better. Even if it's just volunteering to help your family out with something. 

Have you gotten evaluated for dyslexia or other learning disabilities?  That can make a huge difference.  Accommodations might be possible with legal documentation, but simply knowing the problem will help with making strategies to address it.
I haven't (and even if my handwriting is slightly subpar, it's not quite dyslexia), however I'm fairly positive that I have dyscalculia, but I haven't really discussed it with anybody beyond mentioning it.

Would changing your major be helpful? Sometimes it can really bite to realize the time spent studying a subject was wasted, but better to switch now than be stuck in a field that's a horrible fit. If the math for strict computer science is a problem, maybe an adjacent IT field like information systems, informatics, etc would be a better fit. 
Sadly high schools here are not specific enough to let me mix and match subjects like that - information technician is my only choice in that regard (and it encompasses basically everything), and even though today I was considering changing high schools altogether (since I'm fairly passionate about cooking, of all things, and there's a few appropriate high schools for that in my area), I can't get rid of math regardless.
Don't worry about a relationship now. Fixing individual problems will make you more attractive.  Also, be sure to dress appropriately, bathe, groom, etc (sorry to mention it, but some comp sci guys don't realize this is important!).

I'm basically torn between choices and I don't know which one is the best...IT seems like a field that's far too demanding for me in areas that I just plain suck at, but nobody can make the decision of what I want my career to be for me.

[Il Palazzo]

Here's some advice handed down from the heights of my dung pile called experience.

Take it easy.

You're way too young to worry about your career. I think I've only known a handful of people at my school who knew what they wanted to do by the time they graduated. It's not like you have to plan ahead - these decisions can be made on the spot.

The goal of secondary education is not to teach you whatever the school or class education profile is labelled, but to teach you how to apply yourself, concentrate and learn what you need to learn - even the stuff you almost certainly won't need.
That's the only valuable skill to be gained there, and a very important one. My personal opinion is that it's what separates people enjoying healthy, successful life and those who keep stumbling in their adulthood.
Say, you know you want to be a mathematician - then all those maths lessons might give you an edge when you go to the uni, although you might just as well fail there because you were always good at maths and you never learned how to learn on demand.
If you don't want to go into STEM fields, you likely won't need any of the maths or physics or IT, but knowing how to learn what you need to learn will allow you to sail through any course and adapt to the changing job market while others drop out.

Remember that everywhere you go, you take yourself with you. Emigrating won't fix your non-environment-related problems.

Be wary of your ability to communicate in English if you want to live abroad. Introverts tend to be linguistic 'monitor overusers' (overthink stuff), which often leads to them losing half their language skills and a third of their IQ when faced with native speakers.
Visit places if you can before making the decision to move (some time in the future).

Don't neglect your Polish! Your written English is much better than mine was for a long time after I passed twice your age. With very good command of both languages you can land a comfy job as a translator, even freelancing from home if that's what you'd like.

You may think you're unemployable, and especially in retail, but that's never true. Take a dive into the deep water, and learn to swim (but again, maybe wait a few years). Unlike in that metaphor, you won't sink. Yes, you'll likely feel like crap for a while, it'll be painful and you'll hate your job, but you will almost certainly adapt. Interacting with people is a skill like any other, and it can be learned. It's going to pay you off in the future too.
Why, you might take a retail job somewhere in the EU over holidays or after you graduate. The pay is good and it helps with motivation immensely.


Lastly, remember the old adage: matura to bzdura. It really is.

[Mesa]

The thing about matura that stresses me the most is (apart from math which can just straight up fuck off) the now-reworked oral Polish exam. My Polish just seems so terrible compared to my Polish, I've inherited some habits and vocabulary that I instinctively try to use in Polish until I realize that I can't and I stumble over my words often. Sure, my sister said that I can just go over to her and practice my talking with her but goddamnit, 15 minutes to prepare a 10-minute monologue about a thing that I might be very well seeing for the first time in my g-d life just seems like a godawfully daunting concept, even if I only need 30% completion to pass it. Talking always felt like my weakest skill when it comes to any language I know.


I mean I guess it's a good thing that I can afford to not focus on all the exams as much (I'm not trying to boast or anything but I am legitimately not at all concerned about any English exam these days), since most of my classmates struggle equally with all the matura exam subjects, so I suppose that it could be worse.

Not to mention that the books we're plowing through in the Polish class are boring as all fucking hell. I couldn't even bring myself to read the past 2 ones (for the aware, Dziady cz. III and Pan Tadeusz, and soon to be followed by Nie-Boska komedia) because they seem so boring to me and pretty much everyone else. Not to mention that they're highly confusing. I tried to read and listen to multiple summaries of Pan Tadeusz and I still barely understand the plot of that goddamn thing. And I have an exam on Friday (and it's a retake as well, although I wasn't around for the first time because I was sick).

In general I wasn't particularly fond of ever reading books but holy fuck not a single one that we've been talking about in high school has been remotely interesting or fun to read (because God forbid that 19th century Polish language would be easy to read nowadays). I'm pretty decent when it comes to grammar and such but that sort of literature can seriously go away and never come back. (And yet I'm in the process of writing my own book. I know it's hypocrisy, but still.))