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[Tawa]

It is the star system comprised of the main sequence star 9207 Phoenicis, containing the planets of 9207 Phoenicis I (a just barely terrestrial world, known by its inhabitants as Dolerion), II (a stony, barren place), III (a cold, icy stone, hurtling through space six times the average speed of the other planets in the system, and one of the two planets known the the dwellers of I), IV (possibly just a slightly rounded, very large asteroid), V (one of the two large enough to have been noticed by the dwellers of I), VI (an obscure planet that is like a small-scale gas giant), VII (although this one is covered by clouds that cannot be pierced), VIII (possibly just a large asteroid), IX (covered by liquid methane), X (nobody really knows what this one is), and XI (a lemon-yellow planet that is a very, very bad place to be,) there is a place.

This place is on Phoenicis I.

This place is an inn. The most stereotypical inn imaginable. It is so stereotyped that it contains stereotypes from different genres, because they ran out of single-genre stereotypes. Much like a bar in a detective story, it is dark, dank, and a favored hideout of criminals, mob bosses, and sugar traffickers. (Sugar was deemed a "mind-altering substance" by the West Dolerionian government, in ignorance of the fact that everything that can be ingested is also one, and is subsequently smuggled across the border of East Dolerion, where carbohydrates are illegal but sugar is a-OK.) Much like a bar in a science fiction setting, it is filled with rowdy, colorful characters of widely differing, unusual races, all of whom are in a perpetual barfight (technically, the fight ended for twelve seconds back in '289, but nobody remembers that.) And much like a bar in a fantasy setting, this bar contains four individuals with above-average ass-kicking skills, all of whom are about to meet a fate nobody on Phoenicis I has ever encountered.

You are those five individuals.

Spoiler: Taw, what the hell have you been smoking and where can I get some? (click to show/hide)

I am completely smoke-free, thank you.

I had the randomly random inclination to write a random RPG system of randomness. It intends on focusing on being as self-parodying, reference-loaded, and batshit insane as possible.

So. Down to zircon tacks.

Name:
Age:
Gender:

You may distribute twelve points among these stats as you see fit.

Hit Points: [Base: 10]
Strongth (yes, strongth): [Base: 3]
Quickfastery: [Base: 3]
Official Doleronian Dumb-or-Intelligent Test Yields (ODDITY): [Base: 30/100; multiply each point you spend here by 10]
Overall Attractiveness (covering all manner of physical appearance, mannerisms, and such other gentleman/womanry:) [Base: 2]

Character Class: You may select from Thing-Taker, Sword Fanatic, Guy-who-thinks-he-or-she-is-magic-but-isn't-but-is-so-high-they-believe-it, and Party Face. (Yeah, that last one is usually called something like "Bard" or "Charismatic Hero" or someshit like that, but let's not sugar-coat it here.) Thing-Takers depend on Quickfastery, Sword Fanatics depend on Strongth, GWTHOSIMBIBISOHTBIs (alternatively, "Stupid Over-intoxicated Really Crappy Egomaniac Running Everywhere Rallthetime" (SORCERER)) depend on ODDITY, and Party Faces depend on Overall Attractiveness.

Possessions: You have twenty Swabluian dollars to spend, but they're almost meaningless, so Thing-Takers just start with a "Get-Up-Now" machine (GUN machine) (strange metal items that propel very hard, heavy projectiles out a lengthened tube using minor explosives, but are not firearms), Sword Fanatics start with (YOU GUESSED IT) a sword, SORCERERs start with really long sticks that they probably think spit fire, and Party Faces get a free knife.

Backstory: Let me just give you the hyper-condensed version of Dolerion's history.
West Dolerion: West Dolerion was always at war with East Dolerion. West Dolerion was never at war with North Dolerion.
East Dolerion: East Dolerion was always at war with North Dolerion. East Dolerion was never at war with West Dolerion.
North Dolerion: North Dolerion was always at war with West Dolerion. North Dolerion was never at war with East Dolerion.

Begin, Mr. Anderson.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Name: Nero
Age: 27
Gender: Male

Hit points: [10]+2={12}
Strongth: [3]+3={6}
Quickfastery: [3]+2= {5}
(ODDITY): [30/100]+3={60/100}
Overall Attractiveness: [2]+2={4}

Class: sword fanatic
Possessions: sword
Back story: The orphan child of Romera and Julio. One from the East and one from the West. He found swords, or more, sword fighting was a great vent for his anger and rage at his parents and his being made fun of for his parents. His parents died in a messy battle that started at a bar. He has spent most his life honing his sword skills and relieving his anger by applying said sword skills on those that make fun of him.

[Tawa]

Eh, I'm going to drop this. Should've locked it back then.