I am not sure I actually believe they did hear my ear. For some reason it suddenly got very loud when I swallowed. Made them hold up a toilet paper roll against my ear because I was confident it would have been able to hear it from the outside if it gets that noisy. They both said they did hear it, that's what they said. It's been like 12h and I actually have trouble believing it.
My last job ruined me, I bear many sequella. I can't mask for shit anymore. I'm volatile. How can I believe a single word that comes out of anybodies mouth, even mine, if everything keeps reinforcing my bias that communication is actually an illusion. We might as well be barking at eachother like dogs, that would also represents the totality of the information content, there is no message conveyed beyond the noise. I had 4 different appointements, with 3,5 different ENT specialists, one I saw twice, one had a student with them. How is it not common practice to hold a stetoscope against the ear and listen if it's actually something somewhat external... All of these motherfuckers made up their mind midway through (I'm being extremly generous) me telling the medical history of those ears since past october. Even the one that helped me somewhat told me "oh that sounds like you might be affected with a fungus" BEFORE he took a look inside. Basically I can thank my lucky stars that he guessed correctly. It took me a long way, but I do not feel fully healed.
So yeah apparantly 2 drunk people could hear it at some point, by the naked ear, if they are to be believed. And that groundbreaking revelation didn't completly shatter and rearrange reality to my leisure - who'd a thunk they prefer having a good time and sleeping off their rush. We got into a kerfuffle and it all went super fast but somehow I found myself pushed into the corner, and we were arguing and it all went within seconds like "you know the specialist is not there its pointless to go to the hospital" "and yes but I don't care anymore, what is this do you wanna go am I being detained?" and idk did I kick them with a knee? did we shove eachother? I honestly don't know it was many things at once. In any case they backed up from the corner, idk because i made them afraid or because i actually did hurt them a bit. I know a beer bottle fell on the wooden floor with a hearthy "thonk", not shattering. I think they were busy noticing the spill, preventing it from spreading, I got my shit and rushed off.
Again all of this in a matter of seconds, I escalate turbo quickly now. That is what I mean when I say that my former job broke me, ear fucked, foot fucked, mind fucked.
So off with me into the night... A 200k city that sprawls through some serious altitude, the highway is suspended in the air above the whole city to give you an idea of how steep that valley is. Down to the river, up the other side. I'm driven by sheer rage, I am under the assumption I probably forgot most of my stuff storming off like that, but I'm not going to check. I barely know this city but I don't care, I know I'm walking west. Off course it is to be expected that such a effort would perturb the delicate balance (that's so off) in my ear. Sure enough by the time I walked up most of the way up the other side of the valley, the clicking when I swallow tapered off some. It has been with me for months to varying degrees, it is with me now. But rarely has it been as penetrating as yesterday night.... So much so that I actually challenged people to listen to it, knowing full well nothing can really come from confirmation, and worse case I'm not getting any.
I also mostly cooled off by that point, I didn't actually feel like kicking in the door of the hospital and yelling until they either help or sedate me. I mean clearly medical personel does not give a fuck, how overly dramatisizing it would be to subject myself to another deprivation of liberty, if the prospect to sleep over at my friends place allready doesn't jive with me. I made the decision to go home. Walked out the south end up until the very last lamppost of the last suburbs, I did not feel that road. I was surprised at how few cars I had seen so far. It hadn't stopped raining since I left, I had been drenched for a while at that point. So I didn't walk up the serpentines with no sidewalk into the wilds, while wearing black clothes...
I turned around, tried to return to my friends house in a birdline. Got lost to the north of where I know, and the east of where I need to go. Retraced my path back into the center. Was surprised to see 2 frickin taxis at this impossibe hour. It's a big city but it's a dead city. Very little commerce. Had them take me home. They kinda didn't know where they needed to drive, and I overpaid like crazy, but the driver was kinda chill and once he realized how easy it was to reach over the highway, he gave me back 90€. 110€ and a 5€ tip... Absolutely bonkers. Probably the most rational money I ever spent. There is no price to freedom and shelter.
And so, lol, it turns out I did manage to pack all my shit before storming off. I just assumed that since I had not heard my phone ring, I must have left it there. Good I hope you're butthurt. It's such a huge imposition on me to have fucking sleepovers 40km from home, you better not think about this shit again any time soon. Maybe if I had my bicycle that would represent no distance to me... Am I ever going to manage to build that stupid thing. Me expressing affection through loyalty can only take me so far. I ain't getting shit out of shit. These visits wreck me, get much more beer thrown down my throat than I'd ever think to were I on my own, then I loose a bunch of boardgames to overly competitive economists, and listen to a bunch of anecdotes of high-paying jobs. I'm getting fuck all out of my social interactions. Last saturday I went to a mini festival nearby to see 2 acts in particular, made it halfway through the second act and decided that alltough super clean, and kinda bangin, the overall mix was boring and soulless... My dancing feet fizzled out on their own, because if the music is not going to make me dance, I'm not either. And walked off into the night again.
I ain't getting shit out of shit anymore. Would you try to organize something according to my preferences it would much ressemble a lan party. Last I went to one of these I was also bored the fuck out of my mind, and much happier walking home. Everybody playing stupid live service games in ranked, no local network needed.
I'm pretty sure the biggest payoff I can hope to gain out of social interactions, is consolation of knowing I tried, and the relief of leaving. The fuck am I going to get help? JFL. I can't get the doctors to have an inquisitive look at my ankle or ear, how could I possibly hope for effective therapy.
I'm a broken person and I shall remain such, and I defy anyone who feels called to the task to challenge my world view. Unironically. Please shatter it... that is if you can even make a dent. Pretty please..
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Topic: Things that made you absolutely terrified today (Read 2015958 times)