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[DarkWolfXV]

I've been wanting to write this for a long time, but something always stopped me. I dont think writing about can make it worse, maybe I'll feel better to drop it here. It will be whiny, but that is the point, I think...

Since... Like two years, everyday, every night (Not totally "every" but more like 90% or time) I get depressed. I just browse the internet, staring blankly at the screen, asking myself "What the fuck am I doing with my life?". I listen to music, usually sad music because it helps a bit, makes me feel im right at home and "its okay, its okay to be depressed, get it out of yourself, dont hide it". Turning on something happy would be a disaster, two totally clashing atmospheres, and would make me want to just kill something. I want to talk to someone about this, but I really dont have a person which "gets" it. I've told my mother, my father, my friends, some teachers I trust, a few doctors (Not psychiatrists though, and I've been there for reasons other than my problem), but no one understands that. When I told my mother she just said "It's just a thing that passes by, you will get out of it" and she is an actual psychiatrist. Overall since my sister was born she didn't have time for me, the only response being "Im tired". Even when I get back from school with very good grades far above what the class overall got, she is like "Oh, yes, um, Im happy, keep it up" with no enthusiasm or anything, no motivation, just in a bored voice, like trying to tell me "Fuck off, Im tired". My father did pretty much the same, but at least I can rely on him congratulating me getting good grades, achieving things, and his honesty. I can see in his eyes that he is happy his son is doing well, unlike my mother which is just like "meh". And regarding the friends thing, I take that back that I told everyone about my problem because some of them are extremely un-serious. We have a great deal of fun doing stuff, but that seems to be fading as well...

Here comes a thing which inspired me to write this today: We play in a band together, me, and other two friends. We usually practice at friday, which is today. I recently picked up League of Legends because I liked playing it at a camp. We go to my home, and some of my internet comrades ask me if I want to play a single match. I do, then the other two friends play stuff on xbox (as usual, we rarely go straight to rehearsing). After Im done, I ask them, "Hey guys, turn on your amps, lets rehearse", and one of them is like "Fuck you, I came here to practice, not to watch you fucking play League of Legends, Im going home" and then the less-assertive friend follows him because he doesn't have other way to go back home than him, and is, well, unassertive. They take their amps and leave. This was a nail in the coffin for me since I looked forward to this reherseal and got hyped up, we all agreed it will be today, and I dont get that. Why couldn't we just play right after we both finished our games? Why? Being sad today already, It all piled up and I cried. They are the only two fairly competent people who play and like the same music genre as me, so I dont really have anyone else to play with. It feels like they left forever pissed off at me for something I do not understand. This thing happens only once a week, I dont really have anything else to do, little things to enjoy, and how much can you grind one thing like playing LoL all time?

Back to friends, there was only one single person who understood me. A lone, poor, sad soul like me. We talked about life, its meaning, religion, politics, time flew extremely quickly and it was great. I always could tell him about my problems and he understood me. He never told me what bothers him, even though I asked. I am a pretty cheerful person in the public, but it all falls apart spending some time at home alone. He was as sad as me at home pretty much all the time. At school you could always find him sitting alone in the corner with a hood covering his head. He was a very intelligent, clever person which you could talk to about pretty much anything if you befriended him. We had the same interests, both played games and liked the same type of the music. After a few years, we started to get bored of eachother. He came over to my house frequently and we played together, but soon the games ran out. Halo series, CoD, Minecraft, Guitar Hero, all ran to death... We met eachother less frequently, and the meetings became less pleasant every time, to the point it felt like a chore to meet him. One day it just stopped. But fast forward, another day year or half later, I picked up guitar. He told me he plays drums, so we formed a band. We all were beginners at our instruments, and soon my other friend (The less assertive one) picked up bass guitar. We played random stuff with absolutely no musical knowledge, but it felt fun. Soon I progressed to a state where I could play quite a bit of songs I like. The bassist stepped up only a bit, while the drummer was basically in the same place he started. I practiced just an hour daily, the bassist picked up his instrument and plonked it for like 5 minutes a day, while the drummer got near his kit once a week. The songs we played (or wanted to...) were too challenging for the drummer. We tried picking simple stuff, just to practice playing as the band as a whole. I tried composing some stuff with them, and as they didnt come up with anything, I told them what to play. It was pretty simple, but when I spoke trying to explain the drummer intentionally started to bash his kit, when I stopped, he stopped, and told me to speak up, and he did this again. I asked him why, but the same happened. I just told him "fuck you" and left. He made fun of me, not in the usual sarcastic way we do often, but in pretty serious "you suck and your life is worthless" way. Trying to communicate with im was tough, he always responded with his cryptic and sarcastic jokes, saying that I started, so he responded. Actually, this isn't the only case of that, he did it before, but I didn't care as much, thinking he is just messing with me. I gave up on him. If some of you played starmade with me once, this is the guy I spoke about back then. I miss having a friend I could talk to about anything, everytime, and telling him about my sorrows. Now Im left only to myself, dying inside.

Next thing killing me are my surroundings. My school, full of people I utterly despise. I despise them because they are idiots. They are very shallow beings working on a base of "school, facebook, sleep, repeat". Im actually kind of jealous of them that they have such simple pleasures. It would make life so much simpler to be retarded and dont think about all that horrible stuff like wars and shit. My city overall drives me insane too. You might have heard a line from a band called System of a Down: "The toxicity of our city, of our city". This is basically it. People dont get gunned down on the streets or stuff like that, but there are plenty of beggars, drunks, and the whole city is run by a party called PiS (Prawo i Sprawiedliwość) which I also utterly despise. The city as whole is poor, after four years of fighting for having a road build in front of my house (Its kind of a row of house blocks near a forest and the road was so bad that you couldn't drive up to your home at winter because the ramp was too steep, it wasn't a road actually, just a sandy path) it is being built. After four (!!!) years. Overall the city is having communication problems, money problems and stuff.   Who is responsible for this? My country, my nation. And that is why I hate it. On one side, the politicians suck ass, and since the reign of mr. Tusk the taxes are higher, the people are poorer, you wont recieve any pensions when you are old and retired (seriously, or the number will be so ridiculously low you wont be able to live off it), there was a stadium that was built only for euro2012 just to be deconstructed, the worlds most expensive highways which broke 1-2 days after finishing them (shitty asphalt). But on other side, who has chosen him? The people. And who bitches about him the most? The people that have chosen him. Its not like they had to. Poles shit in their own nest all the time and then bitch about it. Another reason to hate my own country is that my father always left the country when I was little, I asked him why did he do it. He said he can't find a job here. He finished university, but he cant find a job here. And especially one that pays decently. When he came back he always praised the west, how much better it was there. Since then, the grass was always greener on the other side for me. Im wondering is it even worth it going to school after middle school in this country with no perspectives and future...

Recently I was on a school trip to Germany. What my father said was true. It was all better there. People looked happier, the people working in various places were kinder as opposed to Poland, where the shopkeepers feel they are merciful to sell anything to you at all, people drove better cars, the roads did not fall apart, and overall everything looked better. It makes me want to escape the country once I can, to show a giant middle finger to Poland and say "fuck you, whore, bringer of my sorrow".

I've had something else on my mind, but I feel a lot better after writing this, so If you've read it, thanks. This is probably very disjointed and grammatically incorrect, but im tired and well, you know, sad.

[Garath]

The story is wandering a bit now and then, but completely understandable.

There isn't much I can say to cheer you up though. Actually, there is a lot I can say that is traditionally considered to be 'cheering someone up', but I'm pretty sure you can come up with them by yourself. Some things I'd like to say anyway. When your friends act like that, it's most likely nothing to do with you, just like you being angry and sad before those things happened had nothing to do with them. It's called acting out, acting in extreme ways on their own sadness, anger and fear, sometimes taking it out on other people. The drummer who can't be bothered to practise is probably thinking the same as you, "what the fuck am I doing with my life" and can't get himself to practise. When confronted with this, he, or most people for that matter, react with anger. Not anger at you, just anger in general, but you just happen to be standing closeby.

On the same note, those superficial people you dislike so much are most likely having the exact same problems. They don't really dare to talk about it though, so they deal with it by not dealing with it as it were. Who is dating who, either at school or movie or music stars, music and movies in general, how they look, all those things are safe topics. And because none of them talk about it, all of them (or at least a big part) think they're the only one who has fears, anger and sadness and try harder and harder to keep them hidden. They show a happy face to the world and in the evenings are mindlessly browsing the internet. Quite a lot like you, really.

However, it'll pass, life will get better. Life is already better than it was when your parents were young, most likely. Just don't let other people get you down

[GlyphGryph]

Give yourself something to work towards. I've been there, and what I worked towards was simple.

Getting the fuck out.

It is better in other places, and going to new places is hard but it can actually feel like your accomplishing something. But remember that you'll be dragging the worst of where you've been with you wherever you go until you grow personally as well.

Personally, I'd recommend you drop the video games, at least for a while, and try building stuff. Focus on the music, and remember that if you've got no one else to rely on you CAN go it alone, and pick up a drummer later elsewhere. Get a few other hobbies, preferably where you create things and can see a product at the end, see that you made some sort of progress. Build a boat, restore an old car, etc. (easier if you have a family that will support such efforts)

Go out, and meet new people. Your music will open doors for you - follow connections. Most people kind of suck, and you might not form long term bonds with every connection you make, but they'll know people who know people and eventually you'll find people who make you realize "Ah! THIS is what I want to do with my life!" People to look up to.

Well, that's my advice anyway.

[Garath]

Something that came to me while sleeping (edit: just before sleeping, obviously). I live in one of those countries west of Poland where 'everything is better' and yes, it probably is. One thing this doesn't have to have an effect on is the attitude of people. One thing immigrants from a lot of countries agree on is that the Dutch are a dour and sour lot with no warmth in their attitude to other people. Those people often come from countries with similar or worse economies than Poland. The smiling shopkeepers, a positive attitude to life and happily greeting eachother on the street is something which is determined more by your culture than your economy. I've personally been to the east of Germany and to Hungary and really, the german people near the Polish border don't have it that bad, but they hardly ever smile. Hungarian people, despite being worse off in general, are quite cheerful compared to them.

I agree with the previous post though. Follow the footsteps of your dad and get out. Unlike him, get out permanently if you can. Getting a degree now can make that easier, especially if you get to study abroad for a year or half a year.

[Meph]

I can somewhat relate to the beginning, although I did grew up in Germany, no broken roads here. It has been quite a while, but I looking back I cant believe how serious I took some things as a teenager. For me it got a lot better after school, life in general I mean. Military service was a unreasonable amount of fun, moving out and getting my own place to live was a big change, and traveling.

If you live in Poland, and only meet polish people, you only have this one point of view, this one way of life. I dont know how large the city is you live in, or how close Krakau and Warschau are, but if I were you, maybe have a look at a Couchsurfing Meeting in the area, or any bigger hostel for backpackers. One dorm hold 8 people, so you meet 7 new ones, from 7 different countries, all travellers you have been to a handful of new countries. Get some perspective on different countries, and maybe hear their opinion on your country... for me, it was a real eye-opener to join a more international community. The internet makes it so easy, as proven by you talking to all of us.

[DarkWolfXV]

So, here I have another moment where I feel like writing stuff I'm going through. I'm more angry and tired than sad this time, though I dont really know... I'll start from the bad stuff:

Recently, I'm getting a feeling I'm getting dumber over time. Like, we have pretty simple stuff on math now, like revising basic functions, Pythagorean theorem and stuff. I used to get it, now I kinda still do, but I have ZERO motivation for doing this. I feel tired. I have individual teaching at school, so its like teacher and me only. It helps in a way that the class around me doesn't distract me, because honestly I hate 90% of my classmates. But I dont want to do this shit anymore. I intentionally try to get in a conversation with teacher(s) so the lesson goes without me doing anything and they just give me homework which I take from the internet instead of doing it myself. I just stopped feeling like I need shit above basic math. I dont want to go that path. It does not interest me at all. Same with history (How long can you talk about how Poland got its ass beat every time and went downhill over the course of history? Just makes me even more depressed...), social knowledge (Dont know how it is called in US, but here it is something like getting to know how does law, country etc. work but more on the bureaucracy side), geography and Polish (all we do there is discuss some horrible Polish classics which are incredibly boring and predictable, with one decent book a year which, surprise surprise, is not written by a Pole. And we learn grammar. Im a Pole already, I can speak Polish, I dont need this shit, leave this for foreign languages). I'm only interested in biology, chemistry and physics. I'm actually working on these subjects, since I want my future job to be tied with one/all of these. Like I said in my first post, no one gives a fuck when I get a good grade from these, yet I get incredible amounts of shit when I get a bad grade from those I'm not interested in. It only deepens my distaste for those. It has progressed to a point that I just drop out from these, and only prepare myself at home for tests, then go on tests with varying results. Mother blames "varying results" on that I dont go to these lessons, but I tell her I'd have the same grade regardless of if I was there or not.

Speaking of my mother, no one gives a fuck about me unless they want something. My mother only phones to me to ask if I did something wrong at school, if she can expect a call from the head teacher. My grandma just phones to me to ask if my mother is home because she doesn't answer her calls. Friends don't phone to me, only text something pointless like "LOL DUDE CHECK THIS MEME OUT" once in a blue moon. No one talks to me unless they want to borrow money. I just feel fucking useless. Same at home, mother doesn't come into my room to talk to me, ask if I need something, only to tell me to clean the room (once every fifteen minutes...), to take a bath because I smell, to do homework because she will be bothered by the teachers again... Shit hit the fan today when I told her my eye hurts, and I have a blurry vision on it and that it has a red spot on it. She just shrugged it off and said "whatever, it'll go away soon" without even looking at me... Later she came into my room to ask if anything happened at school, I said nothing so she sat down on my bed where my bass guitar was laying. She started strumming it and touching the body of it for no reason with her greasy fingers (she was cooking something for herself and she doesn't wash her hands often...). I was about to start screaming at her, but I calmed myself down and politely told her to stop. Then she intentionally touched the whole bass with her greasy hands. I was so fucking pissed, I'm kinda OCD about these things. I started shouting at her to get the fuck out of here and she just kept poking the bass. It might sound funny, but I had to drag her out of the room... We called our father on skype today (He left to work in France again) and I told him about my troubles, and mother just rejected everything I said. I was about to burst into tears so I stormed out of the room. I overheard that she told him I'm spoiled and that I dont behave well... No shit, you could start caring about what is going on with your son.

The only kinda bright thing is that I'm getting a guitar I dreamed of for christmas. I have to pay 3/4 of the price for it but I think it is worth it. There is a story with this, too. My mother was randomly browsing through her email box, and told me that the guitar is coming Tuesday. It was fortunate because my house was going to be free all day, so it would be only me enjoying my guitar, cranking the amplifier loud. I prepared myself emotionally for this. It didn't come. The next day she told me that she misread it and that it was sent on Tuesday, and will come Wednesday. Well, tough luck, but I'll at least have it soon. Nope. It didn't come either. I was pissed. I asked her what is going on. Turns out she was making these dates up because she didn't know when will it come. I shouted at her (I was angry not only for that but also for all the shit that happened that day) that she shouldn't tell me when it comes when she doesn't know, and I made a comparison with a kid with cancer who gets told "Yay, the operation was successful! You gonna live!", and then they tell him "Woops, wrong report, sorry, we did our best...". It angers me that there is a possibility that the guitar won't come until after christmas (If the guy didn't send it yesterday...) because of no one working then and shit.
Speaking of guitar though. I'm searching for members for my band and I found one, gonna see if he shows up to practice... I'm also recording demo for my band which takes most of my time in my day (Regardless of this, mother still says I just sit all day and play games... I'm selling my Xbox god dammit. I dont do that as often as few years ago... You could at least try to notice that...)

Also, my mother told me I'm getting fat. Which is true... And I don't know is this happening... I'm eating less than ever in my life because she can't be bothered to cook anything and I only get money to order some food. I just order a tomato soup and a chicken and that is all I'll eat for a day, sometimes even for two days. I walk 6 at least kilometers a day to school and back, I'm also running and skiing recently. I dont know what is going on.

I dont know what is going on at all... Everything just stops making sense. There is a lot more shit I went through, but I feel too tired to write it down...

They say it gets better but now it only gets worse....
Whelp. This helped a bit.

[Detoxicated]

Tough luck brother. I hope you'll find someone to confound to other than on the internet. Life is complicated at times, and everything seems to be worse when its winter too (at least for me). Meditation worked for me at times. Try to see the positive in life. You know how to play bass, you'll have a guitar sooner or later, you are interested in sciences and can gain great insight about life in general from these. School is, because of the way school is made in the first place, mostly a hellhole of utter nuisances, but you'll get through it eventually 

[x2yzh9]

Frankly, I look at these posts and even though my environment is a lot different, I still struggle, as well, for my own reasons. I don't like preaching things that I don't even do, but it's useful to know some things that have always held true for me in life, regardless whether I subscribe to them or not they are none the less, the truth for me.

Life is unfair. That's how the world works. It's not necessarily competitive(it is, but I digress) but it is more about giving your 100% effort, regardless of how much people belittle that effort or it doesn't immediately come to fruition. You say your life is bad. I feel the same way about mine, even though I cannot relate to yours, and heck I probably even have it better than you I just take it for granted. But..The fact is, to change your life you must try something different, until you find something that works. I could re-iterate that the pain one experiences on a daily basis should be a utter motivator to get out of said situation and make ones life better, and then, at the end of the road you would(or should) find happiness and fulfillment in that. However, I say this, even though that's what most happy people would do, i find that when I am personally saddened or depressed, it just seems like an onslaught of pain and does little to 'motivate me' as it does some others. So, I don't know man, it really depends on where you are in life as to if this would work for you-Letting the pain be your motivation. Don't like it? Then do something to get out of it, because I can tell you this much as you may very well know:No one else is going to do that for you. Why do you think people remain in the same situations they live in? Because they aren't actively working to get out of it, and if they are and still aren't, then they are simply trying to put effort into the same thing with no variation in means of getting out of the situation. It takes varying amounts of work for people. varying amounts of success, too, but frankly, if you put in effort, then there is that constant in almost all situations that something good must come from it.

I also think that finding a passion in your life, too, could be troublesome. I'd like to re-iterate what GlyphGryph said, that finding something you enjoy and feel passionate about, such as music for instance, or whatever it has to be(build lego creations for gods sake. Not saying that would work, but anything that is personally constructive is good.), will make you feel much happier. I know that is what has worked for me in life, finding things I am passionate of and enjoying them, hell even if they aren't personally constructive I still enjoy it..I just find that it doesn't build much long-term happiness, to do that.