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[BFEL]

Its update time in Axerings again!
Lets see what trouble those silly bearded candles are getting into today.

First order of business is getting Peregar dorfed. I know there are other requests, but I know I don't have the types they asked for yet, so they get shafted. Sorry guys.


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Next up, I forgot to show you all how the living quarters are going....they have um....expanded quite a bit...



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The smoothed rooms above the dining hall are for the starting seven. Also the bookeepers office.
Actually I'm renaming the bookeeper proffession.
He shall be....O.R.A.C.L.E.
or if you prefer Obligatory Ridiculous Acronym Collector and Ledger Equalizer.



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He sees you when your Sleeping he knows when your On Break
He knows your days been bad or good so don't start Tantruming for your own sake...

Ok enough ridiculousness (wait this is DF what am I saying?) BACK TO THE GAME!

Oh goddammit...the traders have been stuck in our depot so long THEIR HORSES STARTED BREEDING!



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Anyone know a way to push these bastards out in the sun without access to water?
Seriously this is getting out of hand.



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YAY CAVERN TIME!!!
If they have water I am building a pump stack thing, and I am drowning those fucking merchants.
And all their dumb horses too! >.<

Time to establish a forward base down here, better get some miners and masons and....and....



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...not do that again....
Whelp casualty report is in, one miner no one cares about (no not Olon) and also Drabblegags girlfriend got a bit smunched....well time to make us a hospital
As I'm doing this I discover we have a rodent problem



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Recipe for giant rat stew: 1 rodent of unusual size, 1 militia squad, a pinch of asskicking, 1 butcher shop.



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um...its our first time doing something like this ya see....



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Thank you....um...WHO THE FUCK IS ERUSH ARELINETH?



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Ok well whatever...fatass...probly coulda just sat on it....
Well at least we got the caverns sealed till I figure out how to deal with this crap.



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This is one hell of a clusterfuck, I have no metal or ores of metal, no weapons or armor, and apparently no new dwarf or human traders come when A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES ARE CLOGGING YOUR FUCKING DEPOT...so I have no real ability to outfit a military....GODDAMMIT IF I HAVE TO EQUIP US WITH STUPID ELF WOOD SHIT I WILL FUCKING RISK A LOYALTY CASCADE YOU ASSHOLES!


Okay I looked some stuff over and things aren't QUITE as bad as I thought. Everyone seems to have recovered from the wounds of the cave-in and the rat attack so unless we start getting anything serious appearing down there we should be alright. I saw a giant bat down there and some cave spiders (thankfully not the giant variety) but other then those I think we're okay.

Did however remember hospitalized dwarves take water, considering tunneling up to some of the dry pools outside and draining them into a reservoir underground. Would take a long time though, they maxed out at 1/7 before evaporating.

Oh joy no migrants again.
I hate you dwarf merchants. I hate you SOOOO much. I hate you like I hate elves....actually elves don't clog my depot for years and REFUSE TO GO INSANE. Fuckers. WORSE then elves.....grrrr....venting feels good.

Speaking of, elven merchants have arrived!
And promptly turned into a corpse....which is better then the horse fared....



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Yeah...well time to go collect their stuff...and the stuff of the kobolds they brought....unfortunately the miasma from their corpses doesnt hit the merchants in the depot...those bastards....

Ok well I made that tunnel thing from one of the pools, it should flow straight into our new reservoir next time it rains, which will be nice.

AN AMBUSH! CURSE THEM....FOR NOT KILLING THOSE MERCHANTS...FUCK...
I know how to get rid of them now....I KNOW HOW TO KILL THESE DASTARDLY BASTARDS!

I deconstructed the trade depot...they didn't leave...OH THEY WILL BE SORRY AHAHAHAHAHAHA



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HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE I MADE A BRIDGE UNDER THEM HAHAHA...AND JUST AS MR. BORN IN AXERINGS HORSEY WAS GROWING UP TOO...FUCK YOU HORSEY! IMMA KILL YOU BITCH!



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THERE! BAM! FUCK YOU HORSEY! FUCK YOU AND EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU!



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YEEEEEESSSSSS YESSSSSSSSS HAHAHA GO INSANE! GO INSANE FOR MY PLEASURE HEEHEEHEEHEE

MMMMMM ahhhh my merchant problem is solved ; }

[BFEL]

Well I was just enjoying my victory over the merchants and this happened



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Yeah ambush...
Peregar and Wafflelord are both outside, I locked the inner drawbridge to save the fort...they probably won't survive, as the gobbos have five hammermen and a lasher....and you two have no armor or weaponry....so um...THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE! YOU SHALL BE AVENGED WHEN THE GOBBOS ROAST ALIVE!

Ok so far Wafflelord kinda died....he got a shot off on the lashers foot that made it unable to run, but then a hammerer bashed his brain in.
But Peregar seems intent on avenging his comrade!



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yeah Peregar is kicking that things ass with that pick
And he killed it! The first hammerer is down! Wafflelord avenged!
Now the gobbos are ganging up and...MARTIAL TRANCE!
ALL the gobbos have a red injury, and peregar is untouched...wow he killed another one....and another...hes left the trance but hes still killing...and the lasher is unconscious...wowz
OOOOOKAY....Peregar won....without a scratch....and hes inside and fine.
YAY PEREGAR OUR SAVIOR...OF HIMSELF....HES A BADASS WOO!

He got a new name, Peregar Laborbone the Regal Riddles

[NAV]

I would like a dwarf. Engineer please.
This fort needs a magmafall, preferably not in the main stockpile.

[BFEL]

I would like a dwarf. Engineer please.
This fort needs a magmafall, preferably not in the main stockpile.

What kind of Engineer?
Eh I'll just give somebody all engineer labors.

Every dwarf in the fort has like half the labors activated at this point XD
Fucking traders keeping out migrants.

Also I will make your magmafall....as soon as we find magma.

[Wafflelordling]

I request a redorfing as soon as some migrants survive the trip. Maybe make a 3 wide tunnel to map edge to allow traders to leave and migrants arrive?

[BFEL]

Axerings!- When we smash merchants....this happens....



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So yeah now I have to deal with this bastard AGAIN.
There are no words for this hatred. FHRIGHIUWRJGOADIDBHGOUIDBIN
Thats a word now. THAT is how much I hate these people-FHRIGHIUWRJGOADIDBHGOUIDBIN.
Someone call websters.

WOOHOO! MIGRANTS!
For awhile I thought I would have to mod dwarves to grow to adult seconds after birth and then start a breeding program....*sigh* maybe next time...
Well lets see who all we got.



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Well NAV got dorfed fast...



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NAV's wife...



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And...A GREAT ARMORSMITH.
BADASS.
Granted we have no metal for her to work with, but fuck it, I'll take what I can get.

WOW....just checked after trying to assign beds to all these people, and we went from 19 dwarves to 57...
that was a lot of migrants.

Also, this happened



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Whats he gonna do? Make me an artifact gosling?

Okay while I was previewing this Wafflelord requested redorfing.
Well you might not be a great combatant, but you sure as hell have nice timing
Thus you have the unique honor of being our new Most Valuable Dwarf:



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Thats our new Great Armorsmith if your confused.
Now to get some metal...hmmm



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And, realizing he's been re-dwarfed Waffles ghost rises out of his corpse and enters his new body apparently. Thats the only way I can explain how he became a ghost, was put to rest, and re-dorfed within seconds of each other... BODYSURFING GO!

OH CRAPCRAPCRAP



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That is a troll....and thats a deconstructed wall with no door up yet (not that that would matter now)Whelp time to summon Peregar and his squaddies and hope for the best...

Ok and a random herbalist was down there HUNTING and shot the troll repeatedly, wounding it till some recruits arrived who are proceeding to beat the everloving crap out of it with bare fists because we have no weapons...
Only one injury so far, and its just a bruise on a recruits arm.
Meanwhile the troll looks like this:



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YEAH THATS RIGHT, WE CAN TAKE THE CAVERNS WITH OUR BARE FISTS
Whelp trolls down, and only a couple bruises on our enterprising brawlers....also I think
that herbalist is dragging the body to be butchered....AWESOME.

And now we have Elves.
Time to steal their wood and make some beds for everybody.

OH FUCKING BALLSACKS ON A BISCUIT
A GIANT CAVE SPIDER.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!



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As you can see, Spidey has already devoured one dwarf, I think it was that brave herbalist that believed that proffession meant Her Ballistics. And its also webbed and just about bit the head off of an animal trainer.

I conscripted the Metalcrafter and Engraver right next to it and sent the squad after it, hopefully our luck with punching things continues and we score a lucky hit on its brain or something.

Okay so the GCS is dead, but it took 2 or 3 of our guys down with it...no one important thankfully but still. Oh and now a Giant Olm is attacking the guys stuck in the webs...
FUCK. If Slimy here gets more kills then that spider I won't know whether to laugh, cry or just ram my head through my keyboard.

YUP. It officially is more deadly then a Giant Cave Spider.
Granted the GCS kinda loosened em up what with its paralyzing them completely in those damn webs...
Oh also the Elven traders are kinda dead. No idea why.
I was dealing with the Spider and such.

Well Drabblgag and his wife are dead, our O.R.A.C.L.E. is dead, and Apiks is pretty much about to die. Oh and about 12 other unnamed dwarves are dead....so.....YEAH.
Walling caverns RIGHT THE FUCK OFF.

Apiks just died. One shotted in the brain.
Wanna know the current last dwarf standing?



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THE TWO YEAR OLD SURVIVED LONGER THEN ALL YOU ASSHOLES!
Also hes had a REALLY fucked up day.
Oh but unlike everyone else who faced down the horrid monsters of the caves HE FREAKING LIVED!
Gonna try and avoid him going insane. Cuz he deserves an awesome revenge story in 13 years or so when I open the caves again.

A different Giant Olm breached the fort, Peregar is the only militia member left, and hes kicking its ass all over the fort with his copper shield, because apparently he lost his pick at some point unfortunately.
And now mister Legendary Giant Olm is ALSO in the fort. Now see if we didn't have an open bar, this wouldn't happen. Threw a bunch of random dwarves on militia duty, they STILL havent finished the first one.

Fort is in TOTAL CHAOS. Locked the survivorbaby in his room to keep him safe from the monsters who killed his parents, tried to do the same for Wafflelord, but SOMEONE TANTRUMED AND KILLED THE DINING HALL DOOR.
Oh and Peregars squad is STILL hitting the unconscious Olm. Somehow they have failed to kill it yet. The legendary one pretty much has free reign of the fort right now.

Oh and now migrants arrived....WTF? You know who sees this clusterfuck and says "HEY I SHOULD MOVE THERE"? A MOTHERFUCKING SURGEON...that we cant use....because there is no water anywhere ever.

Oh well superbaby went insane. Sucks, wanted to make him a supersoldier later. If there IS a later.... seriously if this shit goes any further south we're going to hit dwarf Mexico.

WHY WON'T THAT OLM DIE? THIS IS WORSE THEN THE MERCHANTS!
MY MILITARY IS ABOUT TO DIE OF THIRST! I read up on olms after that one killed half the fort. Apparently scientific studies show they can go TEN YEARS without food....MY DWARVES CANT COMPETE WITH THAT!!!! IT NEEDS TO DIE NOW!

But not today cuz I need sleep. Sorry guys.

[peregarrett]

So, we've been Trolled, Spidered and fnally Olmed. Epic! Webs are overpowered stuff that makes guys harmless as babies and one-shot-killable by anything hostuile that passes by.
I hope my dwarf wiil finally smash it's head with shield. If he survives, make him use same pick for mining and fighting.

[BFEL]

So, we've been Trolled, Spidered and fnally Olmed. Epic! Webs are overpowered stuff that makes guys harmless as babies and one-shot-killable by anything hostuile that passes by.
I hope my dwarf wiil finally smash it's head with shield. If he survives, make him use same pick for mining and fighting.

Well he HAS been smashing its head with the shield. It just doesn't seem to be tearing the brain somehow.
Also the vast majority of our picks have somehow disappeared, I tried to make him equip one but for all his badassery he seems unable to take a few seconds to go pick (HA A PUN!) it up.

[Wafflelordling]

I apparently have great timing, now then you must find iron/any metal for me to forge armor for peregar so he may bash trolls with masterwork shields.

[peregarrett]

I apparently have great timing, now then you must find iron/any metal for me to forge armor for peregar so he may bash trolls with masterwork shields.

You gave me an idea. Is it possible to equip two shields?

[NRDL]

Have I been dorfed?  Sorry if I missed the obvious, I've been skimming the posts. 

[Cellmonk]

Posting to watch. I'd love to be dorfed any way you wish. I enjoy mining and butchering sentient corpses.

[BFEL]

I apparently have great timing, now then you must find iron/any metal for me to forge armor for peregar so he may bash trolls with masterwork shields.

lol right now I would settle for finding a way to kill these olms and deal with the inevitable tantrum spiral.

You gave me an idea. Is it possible to equip two shields?

you can if you have direct control, but I don't think they do so in fort mode, assigning someone two shields just makes them replace the first one.

Have I been dorfed?  Sorry if I missed the obvious, I've been skimming the posts. 

No you haven't been dorfed, sorry bout that. We haven't been getting migrants for awhile and now most of the ones we DID get are dead. I know you wanted a cannibal swordsdwarf named Lecktor but we have no swords, or even dwarves who know how to use swords. So yeah I haven't forgot you, just haven't had the opportunity yet, sorry.

Posting to watch. I'd love to be dorfed any way you wish. I enjoy mining and butchering sentient corpses.

Well I'll try and fix the mess we are in now and if that pans out I'll find you something, if not....well theres always Reclaim XD

EDIT: Oh also just uploaded the save to DFFD in case this goes south, link here: http://dffd.wimbli.com/file.php?id=7314

[BFEL]

We have unfortunately been updateless around here for quite some time now.
This is due to me being unenthusiastic about our chances of survival, and thus kinda depressed.
BUT FEAR NOT LOYAL FOLLOWERS! For today, I shall re-conquer Axerings from those dastardly bastard Olms and BUILD A LEGEND UPON THEIR ENTRAILS!!!! RAAAAWWWWRRRR YAY SLEEP DEPRIVATION INDUCED ENTHUSIASM!!!!!

Anyway, more Axerings:



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I FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS!!!
HAH! THAT LEGENDARY OLM DIED LIKE A PUNK ASS BITCH! BOOYAH
The normal ones still being tortured to death though...
AND NOW ITS DOWN!!!! I FEEL LIKE A SPORTS ANNOUNCER!!!! YAAAAAAAAA!

Ok well that was slightly anticlimactic. Basically Mr. Semorkurik Kanzud Ngalak, greatest among olms, was slain in a single hit, and his groupie was killed shortly afterward....both kills are given to our current expedition leader...huh....

Anyway we still have an eminent tantrum spiral to deal with.
Oh and now this has happened:



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Welp, time to put the squads RIGHT BACK THE FUCK TOGETHER....and its dead.....it should probably worry me that my military ventures go this well with only: hairy fists, training axes, and pickaxes that cannot be found with which to defend ourselves....LETS INVADE HELL BAREHANDED!....actually lets not.

Oh well NAV lost a foot...and no one is patching up that cavern hole...PRIORITIES MOTHERFUCKERS! GET EM STRAIGHT!

Ugh....well we are SLIGHTLY farther from eminent death, so I'm going to call it a day till I feel like dealing with these assholes not building the most essential thing ever....cheers guys.

[NAV]

I want a solid gold crutch.