This hasn't been posted in in nearly two years (!!) but I have a couple of screenplays for you that I found funny.
FACADE STAGEPLAY
Tue Sep 17 22 45 38 2013
GRACE
Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?
TRIP
What, Grace... this?
GRACE
Yes, you know how I feel about it --
TRIP
I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?! -- (interrupted)
(Gonzalo knocks on the front door.)
(Gonzalo knocks on the front door.)
TRIP
Oh, he's here!
GRACE
What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!
TRIP
No, he's right on time!
GRACE
God... Trip!
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
Gonzalo!!
GONZALO
HOUSEKEEPING
TRIP
Ah I'm so happy you could make it! -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Uh...
TRIP
Well come on in...
TRIP
Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...
TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)
TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO closes the front door.)
TRIP
(unintelligable arguing) -- (interrupted)
GRACE
No, no, here we are!
GRACE
Gonzalo,
GRACE
Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!
TRIP
Yeah, how -- how are you doing?
GRACE
I just asked him that...
TRIP
Well I'm asking him too!
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
GONZALO
uh hi
GRACE
H-mmm (happy smile sound)
GRACE
And, I've got to say, you look really good!
GRACE
Make yourself at home, come on in!
GRACE
So, Gonzalo, -- (interrupted)
PHONE
** RING **
GRACE
Oh, I'll get it --
TRIP
No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.
PHONE
** RING **
GRACE
Trip, no, I want --
TRIP
Grace, come on, don't be rude.
TRIP
It's probably just one your art gallery friends, it seems like they're always calling -- (interrupted)
(GONZALO picks up the phone.)
PHONE
Hello? Hello?
TRIP
Gonzalo, no! Don't do that.
PHONE
Who is this? Travis, is that you? This is your mother.
TRIP
Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice.
PHONE
I don't recognize your voice...
GRACE
Oh!
GONZALO
This is gonzalo
PHONE
I -- I think I have the wrong number... ** click **
TRIP
Okay, she's confused, as usual... just -- just hang it up.
(GONZALO puts down the phone.)
TRIP
Oh, good, you hung up. I don't want to talk to her.
GRACE
Oh, I wanted to say hello --
TRIP
No no, come on, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...
TRIP
the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents.
GRACE
Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth --
TRIP
Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they don't know 'black tie only' from... black bean chili.
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
TRIP
Huh, y -- you two are really getting along well tonight...
TRIP
Ah! Gonzalo, I -- I really need to get you a drink.
TRIP
Ah it's great because you get to be the first to try my recently acquired set of imported drinking glasses.
GONZALO
ooh booze?
TRIP
How does a martini sound?
TRIP
Wha...? uh... Oh yeah, that's even better!
GRACE
Gonzalo, I think you'd prefer something simple and light, like a nice glass of chardonnay, yes?
TRIP
uhh... Grace...!
GONZALO
okay
GRACE
Okay, good!
TRIP
Okay... okay...
TRIP
(little sigh) Excuse me for wanting to enjoy ourselves...
TRIP
Grace, I don't want to drink alone, what do you say, join me in a nice cocktail?
GRACE
Gonzalo, I'll just have what you're having.
TRIP
Great.
GONZALO
GONZALO
...
TRIP
W -- wait, wait, wait, what's wrong, Grace?
GRACE
Trip, have you noticed, we're fighting in front of our friend.
(GONZALO picks up a Grace's drink.)
TRIP
Alright Grace, yours is ready.
GONZALO
puase
GRACE
Thank you.
TRIP
What...?
TRIP
Gonzalo, I -- I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...
GRACE
(impatient sigh) Trip, maybe our friend would prefer --
TRIP
Grace, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean our friend won't...
TRIP
Well I'll just put this on the bar for you.
GRACE
Gonzalo, come over here and sit on the couch with me.
TRIP
Grace...!!!
TRIP
Now, now, Gonzalo, in one word, what does this picture make you think of?
GRACE
Oh, please, Trip, don't put our friend on the spot like that.
TRIP
Grace wasn't with me when I took this picture, she was sulking in the hotel room.
GRACE
Gonzalo, come over here, you'll be more comfortable --
TRIP
In a -- in a -- in a word, a single word, what does this say to you?
GRACE
(impatient sigh) Trip, I don't know what kind of --
TRIP
Think, think, what does this say to you?
GRACE
How about oppressive.
TRIP
Christ! I take her to Italy to see the art she supposedly likes, and she calls me oppressive.
GRACE
(short petulant sigh)
TRIP
(frustrated sigh) Just one word for this.
TRIP
Romance! It says... romance...!
GRACE
(little sigh) Gonzalo, I liked your answer better.
TRIP
Dammit, Grace, I was trying to give us a romantic weekend in Europe together!
GRACE
What is it with you and your obsession with Europe? You take enough goddamn business trips there as it is!
(GONZALO puts down a Grace's drink.)
TRIP
I'm not obsessed with Europe... I --
GRACE
You want to be seen as this sophisticated traveler.
GRACE
And I missed my friend's art show.
TRIP
What? Who is this?
GRACE
A friend from college had a gallery show of his new paintings that weekend.
GRACE
(little sigh)
TRIP
Uhh, you're driving me insane!
TRIP
Goddamn... sophisticated traveler...
TRIP
When are you going to realize that art is not a career! Is that ever going to sink in for you?
GRACE
(impatient sigh) Gonzalo, I... -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
art's a career I'm an artist
TRIP
Huh? What are you saying to me?
GRACE
You and your damn parents...
GRACE
Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel!
TRIP
Oh, come on...!
GONZALO
we should talk about your parents
TRIP
Goddamn manipulation...
TRIP
Grace, I -- I just want to be together, and be happy, can you just see that?
GRACE
Oh, yeah, yeah, right!
TRIP
Can't we just do that?
TRIP
Alright, you know what, Gonzalo,
TRIP
I'm going to ask you something.
GRACE
Trip --
TRIP
Grace, let me ask our guest a question.
TRIP
Gonzalo, yes or no...
TRIP
A person in a marriage should _believe it_ when one tells the other how they feel about them, right?
GRACE
What?
TRIP
I mean, when you're married, you should trust what the other person says they feel about you, right?
GONZALO
not always
TRIP
What...?! -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Oh, okay... sure...
(GONZALO picks up a player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO puts down a player's drink.)
(GONZALO picks up a player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
TRIP
Uhh, Grace, I love you, you're my wife, I love you, and you... are accusing me of... I don't know what, what are you accusing me of? I love you, don't you know that?!
(GONZALO puts down a player's drink.)
(GONZALO picks up a player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
GRACE
Oh, I can't believe...!
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his player's drink.)
(GONZALO puts down a player's drink.)
(GONZALO picks up a Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
GRACE
Uhh! Yeah, good, go away!
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
(GONZALO sips his Grace's drink.)
GRACE
I can't take you anymore!
(GONZALO puts down a Grace's drink.)
GRACE
Goddammit!
TRIP
Oh... Shit!
GRACE
Gonzalo, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so...
TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me again, are we?
GRACE
What?
TRIP
Gonzalo, look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.
GRACE
Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.
GONZALO
she's not interested in materials
TRIP
No?
GRACE
Ah, thank you, that helps him.
GRACE
Trip, look at my parents. If money bought happiness they wouldn't hate themselves like they do.
TRIP
What?
GRACE
Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.
GRACE
Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, and fine wine...
TRIP
You think I'm not good enough...!
GRACE
I never said that! I'm saying there's more to you than all this...
GONZALO
she's right
GRACE
Yes?
GRACE
Gonzalo, thank you, that helps us.
GRACE
Trip, I know that you like to hang out at the little sports bar on the corner.
TRIP
What... what -- n -- no... I, I -- I mean...
GRACE
Trip, it's alright.
TRIP
Oh, geez...
GONZALO
it is
TRIP
Oh God... this is so frigging insane... uhh...
TRIP
Oh, geez...
GRACE
Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.
TRIP
Grace, I -- I want to take care of you...
GRACE
Trip...
GONZALO
he does
GRACE
That's how it's always worked with us, Trip, you always seem to know exactly what I want...
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
TRIP
Grace...
GRACE
Gonzalo, what is it, is there something about me?
TRIP
Grace, we don't -- we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just --
GRACE
Gonzalo, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!
GONZALO
you don't like your lifestyle
TRIP
No?
TRIP
No, Grace, we can... I mean, come on, don't make it out to be so bad...
GRACE
Uhh...
GONZALO
it's bad
GRACE
We should -- we should talk about Trip.
TRIP
It's so annoying... you know lately I've been really trying to spend more time together...
TRIP
Gonzalo, she makes it so difficult...
GONZALO
do you
GRACE
Trip, that's not going to solve anything...
TRIP
Uhh...
TRIP
You know, let's -- let's talk about Grace.
GRACE
See, Gonzalo, I... uhh... I've been very lonely.
GONZALO
okay
GRACE
Yes?
TRIP
Ah, good, well... well, what you're saying should help her...
GRACE
Gonzalo, I don't... uhh...
GRACE
TRIP
Grace...
GONZALO
yes?
GRACE
Why?
GRACE
Uhh, this is too much, I can't take this...
GONZALO
okay
TRIP
Yes?
GRACE
No, look, I don't want to talk to you right now... uhh...
GONZALO
okay
GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.
GRACE
You know, I... uhh... I really don't have anyone to talk to...
TRIP
Grace...!
GRACE
Heh, my so-called 'friends', they're just jealous of us, if you can believe that...
TRIP
Gonzalo, we... uhh...
GONZALO
yes?
TRIP
Why?
GRACE
Ah, see, those words really help us...
GRACE
Gonzalo, you've been a friend, ever since you first introduced us...
TRIP
Let's talk some more about us both.
GRACE
I think... I think... Trip and I are drifting... I'm afraid we're becoming... disconnected...
TRIP
Grace! What are you saying?
TRIP
What!? Grace, I'm right here. I'm the -- I'm the same person I've... I've... always been... -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
okay
GRACE
Yes?
GRACE
Ah, yes, that helps us.
GRACE
Gonzalo, I mean, is there something about me...
TRIP
Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work,
GONZALO
both
GRACE
Gonzalo, you see, this is what I've had to put up with, for ten goddamn years.
TRIP
Okay, okay, let's talk about Grace. -- (interrupted)
GRACE
See, Gonzalo, Trip gets so annoyed whenever I want to go to a gallery, or a museum...
GRACE
Or when I invite my artist friends to our parties... he gets so angry.
TRIP
Uhh...
GONZALO
okay
GRACE
Yes?
TRIP
No, it's true, she's right, it's totally annoying!
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
GONZALO
okay
TRIP
Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.
GRACE
Gonzalo, you -- you blame me for all this, don't you?
TRIP
See, I don't think you really want to be an artist. This is all just something for you to blame me for.
GRACE
What? Oh my God. -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
no
TRIP
No?
GRACE
Oh, thank God you disagree, that really helps us!
TRIP
Okay, that's it, no more of this bullshit!!
TRIP
Gonzalo, I know what you're hinting at...
TRIP
about us...
TRIP
about our lifestyle...
TRIP
Do you really want the truth? Huh?
GONZALO
yes
TRIP
Grace, huh?
GRACE
Yes...!
TRIP
See, Gonzalo, I've been paying attention to what you've been saying tonight.
TRIP
You've really been pushing me tonight.
TRIP
It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.
GRACE
Trip!
TRIP
Gonzalo, I ask you this -- yes or no...
TRIP
Do you really think that...
TRIP
and what you said about believing what other person is saying...
TRIP
that all that is supposed to help us realize something about us?
TRIP
Is all of that arguing intended to mean something, or...
TRIP
Is it? I just want a yes or no.
GONZALO
okay
TRIP
Alright.
TRIP
Grace...
TRIP
uhh...
TRIP
See... I'm... ashamed of my parents.
GRACE
What!? Your parents are great.
GRACE
I love seeing them...
TRIP
I know, I know. But compared to yours... they're so ... ignorant.
GRACE
But they're real. I hate how my parents are pretending to be something --
TRIP
I've tried hard to be like your family --
GRACE
Trip... really? ... I don't --
TRIP
But I feel like a phony. I feel like I can never get rid of my past.
TRIP
It's kind of like I don't know who I am anymore.
GONZALO
okay
TRIP
uhh...
GRACE
uhh...
GRACE
Oh my God...!
TRIP
Wait, Gonzalo, Grace, there's more...
GRACE
More?
TRIP
Grace...
TRIP
uhh...
TRIP
I'm -- I'm just... af -- afraid of... of being poor.
GRACE
Poor? Trip, we have so much! What do you --
TRIP
It never feels like enough!
TRIP
As a kid... it -- it was... My family was always on the edge.
GRACE
So you weren't rich, but --
TRIP
We even spent six months in a shelter once.
GRACE
Oh my God...!
GONZALO
okay
TRIP
All of this stuff...
TRIP
Is a kind of protection from that ever happening again.
TRIP
uhh...
GRACE
uhh...
GRACE
Oh my God...!
GONZALO
you can work this out
GRACE
Gonzalo, I, uhh...
GRACE
This changes everything...
TRIP
Yes, it does change everything.
TRIP
I think it's over.
GRACE
Trip, what --
TRIP
No!!
TRIP
It's over, Grace, don't you see that?
GRACE
Wha... b -- but you just said --
TRIP
I just told you something about us I should have said a long time ago:
TRIP
You think I'm phony for hating my parents, and wishing they were like yours.
TRIP
And about me...
TRIP
I'm afraid of being poor.
GRACE
Trip, I --
TRIP
No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's -- it's not about you...
GRACE
Not about me...? Hey, no, wait!
GONZALO
why does that mean you leave?
TRIP
And no, Gonzalo, uhh, hold on...
TRIP
Gonzalo, I'm sorry. You really helped me though, so, thanks.
GRACE
Trip!
(Trip opens the front door.)
GONZALO
nono
(Trip closes the front door.)
GRACE
Trip!!
GRACE
Oh my God...
(GONZALO hugs grace.)
GRACE
I should have told him that...
GRACE
I could have told him that...
GONZALO
DAMN IT SPIT IT OUT
FACADE STAGEPLAY
Fri Jun 24 15 08 48 2011
GRACE
Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?
(Gonzalo knocks on the front door.)
(Gonzalo knocks on the front door.)
TRIP
What, Grace... this? -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Uhp, he's here!
GRACE
What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!
TRIP
No, he's supposed to be here now!
GRACE
God... Trip!
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
Gonzalo!!
GONZALO
To welcome is to believe I am there
TRIP
Hey! It's been too long, man! -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Great!
TRIP
Ha ha ha!
TRIP
Wow, it's so great to see you after so long.
TRIP
Well come on in!
GRACE
No, no, here we are!
GRACE
Gonzalo,
GRACE
Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long!
TRIP
That's funny, I said the same thing!
GONZALO
To see is to know Gonzalo.
GRACE
Aw, H-mmm (happy smile sound)
GRACE
And, I've got to say, you look really good!
GRACE
So come on in, make yourself at home!
TRIP
Whoops, I need to go close the door.
(Trip closes the front door.)
GRACE
So, Gonzalo, I was going to -- (interrupted)
PHONE
** RING **
GRACE
Oh, I'll get it --
TRIP
No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.
PHONE
** RING **
GONZALO
This art is like my life: geometric.
TRIP
Well, h -- hold on, hold on... (clears throat) -- (interrupted)
PHONE
** RING **
(GONZALO picks up the phone.)
PHONE
Hello? Hello?
TRIP
Gonzalo, no! Don't do that.
PHONE
Who is this? Travis, is that you? This is your mother.
TRIP
Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice.
GONZALO
I have killed your son.
PHONE
I don't recognize your voice...
GRACE
Oh!
PHONE
I -- I think I have the wrong number... ** click **
TRIP
Okay, she's confused, as usual... just -- just hang it up.
GONZALO
Bye-bye.
(GONZALO puts down the phone.)
TRIP
(nervous coughing)
GRACE
uh...
TRIP
you, um...
GRACE
uuh...
TRIP
(nervous coughing)
GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha, heh...
TRIP
heh, ha ha...
TRIP
heh, ha ha ha!
GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha!!
TRIP
Ha ha ha, Gonzalo,
GRACE
heh heh...
TRIP
heh, you had me going there for a sec...
TRIP
heh, ha ha...
TRIP
Never afraid to push your luck, heh heh...
TRIP
push our little buttons...
GONZALO
When trip trips, he has a nice trip.
TRIP
heh heh, you're crazy, you know that?
TRIP
heh, ha ha...
TRIP
(big sigh)
TRIP
Anyway, uh... what -- what were we talking about?
GRACE
Yeah, -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
I require a booze drink.
TRIP
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec!
TRIP
Oh this perfect because I just bought these classy new cocktail shakers we've got to try out.
GRACE
So, about my decorating...
GRACE
Uhh... I was hoping to give this room a post-modern style...
TRIP
Yeah! Yeah! Oh yeah. It -- it's definitely got that.
GONZALO
Postmodern is like you: dumb.
GRACE
but -- (interrupted)
TRIP
W -- wait, wait, wait... uh, take a -- take a closer look... You have to let it soak in a little while before you say anything.
GRACE
Uhh... I'm sure I can return most of this, and try to start over again on this room...
GONZALO
I am soaked like your dirty towels.
GRACE
Gonzalo, you know that flirting with me is only going to make me wish I married you instead of Trip.
GONZALO
I am not flirting.
TRIP
There, see, Grace, n -- no one has a problem with your decorating, everything's fine!
GRACE
Well, I plan to return most of it anyhow. This room needs to be redone.
TRIP
(patient sigh)
GONZALO
Yep
TRIP
Huh, I think I forgot how well you two get along...
TRIP
So! Drinks!
TRIP
I want to fix you something special.
TRIP
Let's have something really fun,
TRIP
like a cosmopolitan?
TRIP
Everybody tells me I fix the best drinks, so I'm sure you're gonna love this.
GRACE
Trip, take it easy, don't make a big production out of this.
TRIP
Uh, Gonzalo, y -- you'll love it, what do -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
Cosmopolitan booze?!
TRIP
What...? Oh! Oh yeah, great, great idea, great idea!
GRACE
Gonzalo, I think you'd prefer something simple and light, like a nice glass of chardonnay, yes?
TRIP
Grace...!
GONZALO
I need to be drunk, thank you.
TRIP
Okay look I'm just going to open a bottle of merlot and make everybody happy.
TRIP
Gonzalo, trust me, it's good stuff.
GONZALO
It makes the koan generator work.
TRIP
Oh yeah, let me tell you about work. I just brought in a new account - print ads for a line of bridal fashion.
TRIP
Very big.
GRACE
I think you forgot to mention that I'm the lead designer on this project.
GONZALO
Work works when work is working
TRIP
Oh, w -- well, speaking of our work project, um, I -- I'll have to tell you about my trip to Barcelona that landed the contract.
GRACE
Yes, Trip has a very persuasive way about him. He's a real charmer. -- (interrupted)
TRIP
You used to like my charm, heh. I remember I was quite the hit with your sorority sisters. You said it was cute.
GRACE
Oh god, don't bring up college...
TRIP
In terms of drinks...
TRIP
Grace, what can I get you to -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
Barcelona isn't just a river in asia
TRIP
Goddamn, what you are you hinting at? I'm getting really sick of it.
GRACE
Trip! What are you --
TRIP
Look I'll leave you two to keep chatting about love and marriage and all that good shit.
GRACE
What? Where are you going?
TRIP
I'm just going to get something from the kitchen.
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
GRACE
Um, Trip, if -- if you have a second, could you --
GRACE
could you turn on the mini biscotti oven for me? Just... Just set it to bella toasta.
GRACE
Would you do that for me?
GRACE
You have to it manually, I lost the remote.
GONZALO
Bella toast is my favorite sim.
GRACE
Uhh, God, why does every conversation I have these days turn into a series of pathetic miscommunications...
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
GONZALO
Because you are an AI.
GRACE
um...
GRACE
uh...
TRIP
(BREAKING DISHES SOUND IN KITCHEN)
GRACE
Jesus, what was that?
TRIP
Argh!
GRACE
Trip, what happened?
GONZALO
ARE YOU BREAKING MY BRAIN?
TRIP
What?
GRACE
What happened? -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
THE ANSWER IS YES
GRACE
Wait, -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Christ, what the hell is going on... -- (interrupted)
GRACE
(happy but tense sigh)
GRACE
Gonzalo,
GRACE
you and I are getting along so well tonight... -- (interrupted)
(GONZALO kisses grace.)
TRIP
(nervous coughing)
GRACE
uh...
TRIP
you, uh...
GRACE
uuh...
TRIP
you, uh...
GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha, heh...
TRIP
heh, ha ha...
TRIP
ha ha ha!
GRACE
ha ha ha ha!!
GONZALO
Get a divorce.
TRIP
Ha ha ha, heh, Gonzalo,
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO opens the front door.)
GRACE
heh heh...
TRIP
you maniac! heh heh... you sex maniac! Ha ha, never afraid to... -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Jesus, Gonzalo, you're thinking of leaving again?
GONZALO
Oh nevermind you're crazy
TRIP
Okay, Jesus... (frustrated sigh)
GONZALO
I like you two
(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)
(GONZALO closes the front door.)
TRIP
Gonzalo, I -- I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...
GRACE
(impatient sigh) Trip, maybe our friend would prefer --
TRIP
Grace, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean our friend won't...
GONZALO
Europe is a smelly, terrible place.
GRACE
Gonzalo, come over here and sit on the couch with me.
TRIP
Grace...!!!
GONZALO
The couch is smelly and terrible.
GRACE
Oh I didn't want my decorating to become a major topic of conversation tonight... I'm going to get it redone this week, so... -- (interrupted)
(GONZALO sits on the couch.)
GRACE
Trip, you see, your fetish for all things European is making our friend very uncomfortable!
TRIP
Goddammit, Grace, this was supposed to be our second honeymoon!
GONZALO
I hate europe indeed
GRACE
What? Gonzalo, Trip is absolutely exaggerating, it was simply a weekend getaway, that's all. -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Jesus, I was -- (interrupted)
TRIP
What?!
GRACE
Trip, Trip, it's alright, our friend is just giving you a bit of a hard time tonight, you're a man, you can take it.
TRIP
(clears throat) We need drinks.
GONZALO
Less of a man than Gonzalo!
GRACE
All those business trips of yours to Europe must have done something to you.
TRIP
Uhh, you're driving me insane!
TRIP
Goddamn italy...
GONZALO
Made you soft! LIKE EUROPEANS
TRIP
I try -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Huh? What are you saying to me?
GRACE
(impatient sigh) Gonzalo, I...
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
TRIP
Oh, yeah, you...
(GONZALO gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
I can guess what you're about to say...
TRIP
You've been criticizing me ever since you got here!
GRACE
Goddamn second honeymoon...
GRACE
Trip, our whole marriage, you're so... controlling!
TRIP
Oh, god...!
TRIP
Alright, you know what, Gonzalo,
TRIP
I need to ask you something.
GRACE
Trip --
TRIP
Grace, let me ask our guest a question.
TRIP
Gonzalo, yes or no...
TRIP
If one person in a marriage gives the other advice, and that advice is taken -- years later, can you get blamed for that?
GRACE
What?
TRIP
Is it okay to get blamed for giving advice that was taken, like, ten years ago?
TRIP
Yes or no.
GONZALO
I don't understand the question.
GRACE
What...?!
GRACE
Oh, okay... fine...
GRACE
Goddammit! How can I be happy when you act this way, Trip? Huh? I'm miserable!
TRIP
Oh, Christ...!
TRIP
Uhh! Yeah, go on, go away!
TRIP
I can't stand frigging looking at you!
TRIP
Goddammit, Grace!
TRIP
uhh!
TRIP
No, don't -- don't come over here, alright?
GRACE
What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me?
TRIP
I was not talking to you!
GONZALO
Trip, stop going to Europe.
GRACE
Gonzalo, from what you said before, about marriage... I think that tells us something about Trip.
TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me, are we?
GRACE
What?
GONZALO
I said nothing about marriage!
GRACE
Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on.. -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Look, if we're going to talk about marriage, all I can say is, it doesn't turn out the way you expect it to.
TRIP
Grace...
GRACE
I'm not saying marriage is a bad idea or something, I'm just...
GRACE
saying I think it's hard to predict what it will actually be like...
TRIP
Grace, no...
GONZALO
u mad
TRIP
No don't criticize me anymore, it's just going to turn this even more ugly!
GRACE
Let's keep our focus on Trip.
TRIP
Grace, we don't -- we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just --
GRACE
Gonzalo, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!
GONZALO
TALK ABOUT THE RUG
TRIP
No, Grace, we can... I mean, come on, don't make it out to be so bad...
(GONZALO picks up the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "No")
GRACE
Uhh...
TRIP
Gonzalo, give me some advice here...!
GONZALO
NO
(GONZALO puts down the advice ball.)
TRIP
Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.
TRIP
It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?
GRACE
Trip...
TRIP
Like I always have to convince you?
GRACE
Gonzalo, you know, we... uhh...
GONZALO
Don't try to convince?
TRIP
No?
TRIP
It's just never easy with you, Grace, and it wears me down.
(GONZALO picks up the advice ball.)
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")
(GONZALO shakes the advice ball.)
GRACE
Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.
(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
GONZALO
I doubt it
TRIP
Grace, I -- I want to take care of you... -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Gonzalo, come on, I don't feel like fixing drinks at this moment!
(GONZALO puts down the advice ball.)
GRACE
No, let's switch to talking about Trip.
TRIP
Gonzalo, you know, it's weird to me, when I'm on a business trip, Grace never calls me, ever!
GRACE
Uhh...
TRIP
She says she's afraid to call me!
GONZALO
It's because your phone sucks
TRIP
No?
GRACE
It's just a feeling Trip, I can't explain it...
TRIP
Well how do you think that makes me feel? -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
Like shit
GRACE
Everything's fine, we're not... uhh... we're fine... Gonzalo, Come on,
GONZALO
And what?
TRIP
Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.
GRACE
You know what's so annoying, is when you pretend to be all 'romantic'!
(GONZALO sits on the couch.)
TRIP
What...?
GRACE
Trip, it is such an act!
TRIP
Oh my God... Gonzalo, what... uhh...
GONZALO
Your house looks European
GRACE
All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip?
TRIP
Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off?
TRIP
Gonzalo, isn't it -- isn't that ridiculous?
GONZALO
Try living in a log cabin for a year
TRIP
Well, I mean, Grace, what do you want?
GRACE
Nothing! I want nothing!
GONZALO
Live in poverty like Gonzalo!
(GONZALO gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
Let's keep our focus on Grace.
TRIP
Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work,
TRIP
the truth is... you're not an artist.
GRACE
Uhh...!
TRIP
I'm sorry, you're not.
GRACE
Gonzalo, uhh...
GONZALO
Wow, that's an asshole thing to say
TRIP
No?
GRACE
Ah, thank you, you disagree, that might just help him!
GRACE
See, Trip, you have no idea what an artist is.
TRIP
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both.
GRACE
Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!
TRIP
What, I'm not allowed to be angry?
GRACE
You tell me what to do, you don't listen.
TRIP
Gonzalo, I'm not telling her what to do, I'm trying to help her!
GONZALO
Gonzalo believes both are the same
GRACE
Yes?
TRIP
See, I'm the one trying to reach out to you, Grace...
GRACE
Uhh...
GONZALO
Nope
GRACE
Let's keep talking about us, our relationship.
TRIP
You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...
TRIP
Gonzalo, She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in front of the guests!
GONZALO
I'm not sure that's you, Trip
GRACE
Uhh...
GRACE
I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.
TRIP
Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.
GRACE
No, it's true...
GONZALO
I was about to say that
GRACE
Yes?
GRACE
Ah, that helps him.
TRIP
What!? That's ridiculous. Why would I -- why would I be afraid of their stupid meatloafs and their tacky house and their crappy wine...?
GONZALO
Trip, your parents are idiots
GRACE
Trip, why can't you be more like your parents? They're real.
TRIP
Yeah, real tacky. -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Gonzalo, Grace has always enjoyed slumming. That's why she likes visiting them.
GRACE
I can't believe you. Trip, are you that shallow?
TRIP
Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit!!
TRIP
Gonzalo, I know what you're trying to hint at...
TRIP
about us...
TRIP
about our lifestyle...
TRIP
Do you two want the truth? Huh?
GONZALO
I WANT TO MARRY GRACE
TRIP
No, Gonzalo, just, yes or no, do you want the truth?
GONZALO
Yes
TRIP
Grace, huh?
GRACE
Yes...!
TRIP
See, Gonzalo, I've been paying attention to what you've been saying tonight.
TRIP
You've really been pushing me tonight.
TRIP
It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.
GRACE
Trip!
TRIP
Gonzalo, come on -- yes or no...
TRIP
Do you really think that...
TRIP
criticizing Grace...
TRIP
criticizing me...
TRIP
kissing Grace...
TRIP
but especially what you said about giving advice to your wife...
TRIP
that all that is supposed to help us realize something about us?
TRIP
Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something?
TRIP
Is it? I just want -- (interrupted)
GONZALO
Nope
TRIP
No? Huh... I'm surprised you say that, I thought it did.
GONZALO
Well, yes
TRIP
Grace...
TRIP
uhh...
TRIP
See... I'm... ashamed of my parents.
GRACE
What!? Your parents are great.
GRACE
I love seeing them...
TRIP
I know, I know. But compared to yours... they're so ... ignorant.
GRACE
But they're real. I hate how my parents are pretending to be something --
TRIP
I've tried hard to be like your family --
GRACE
Trip... really? ... I don't --
TRIP
But I feel like a phony. I feel like I can never get rid of my past.
TRIP
It's kind of like I don't know who I am anymore.
TRIP
uhh...
GRACE
uhh...
GONZALO
You are a smelly european
GRACE
Oh my God...!
TRIP
Gonzalo, I --
GRACE
I'm going to give you the truth too, Trip.
TRIP
What?!
GRACE
I painted this.
TRIP
Bullshit.
GRACE
I am an artist, Trip, fuck you.
TRIP
You've been secretly painting? When --
GRACE
Everytime you go on a goddamn business trip, I paint.
TRIP
Jesus --
GRACE
So don't EVER give me any more of your 'you could never be an artist' crap!!
GRACE
uhh...
TRIP
uhh...
TRIP
Jesus...!
TRIP
Okay, Gonzalo, Grace, I have one more thing to say...
GRACE
Again?!
GONZALO
Say it!
TRIP
Grace, I know you want to be an artist.
TRIP
But I could never be married to you if you were.
GRACE
What?
TRIP
I can't... I -- I just can't...
GRACE
But Trip --
TRIP
When I married you, see, I was sure I could convince you to give it up, to -- to go into advertising.
GRACE
Uhh...
TRIP
And -- and I did it, and it worked.
GONZALO
What's wrong with art?
TRIP
But now... I -- I don't know, Grace...
TRIP
(big sigh) I don't know...
GRACE
uhh...
GONZALO
I mean, really, Gonzalo likes art!
GRACE
Oh my God...!
GRACE
This changes everything...
GONZALO
Just not european art
TRIP
Yeah.
GRACE
And no, Gonzalo, please...
TRIP
You... you really have to be an artist...
GRACE
You finally admitted it -- you just don't want me to be an artist...
TRIP
You -- you think I'm a phony for despising my upbringing...
GRACE
But at least you had a real upbringing, it's me who had a fake one...
GRACE
Gonzalo, we...
TRIP
Gonzalo, I --
TRIP
Look, we -- we need to talk...
GRACE
Yeah.
TRIP
Gonzalo, Thanks for coming over, you... I think you helped us.
(Trip opens the front door.)
GONZALO
Gonzalo must take his leave.
GRACE
Bye. Thanks.
GONZALO
He has done his part.
(GONZALO points to the elevator button.)
(GONZALO points to the elevator button.)
(Trip closes the front door.)
Author
Topic: Façade - An Interactive Drama (Read 2169 times)