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[GoombaGeek]

First time in a Terrifying embark.

I've heard the stories. But what's it really like? This is valuable practice for my turn in Crossedhorns, although it's not in Suika Fortress.

I'm also using my tiny tileset so get those retinas ready for...

Bronzebow.

~~~~~~~~~~

Cilob Astilush, Record-Keeper and Overall Stuff Manager's Diary

what's wrong with this place

I was almost so in despair that I didn't put the apostrophe in "what's". But that's lazy grammar. And having the cat who accompanied you through a three-month journey get sucked into a fucking ash cloud and turning into a zombie is no excuse for lazy grammar! Ha. Fuck.

Bronzebow. We were supposed to bring back metals so that our poor families back home can fend off the goblins. Well, fuck them. Fuck them all to hell. No, fuck them all to here.

Mosquitoes. No. A giant mosquito. I fucking hate mosquitoes.



Well, I said. Yes. I can handle a giant fucking mosquito. We brought two hammerdwarves. They can kill a giant fucking bug.

Then the clouds. Ha. When we first got there, I said. Yeah, I said "Why is this grass covered in ash? Why is it?". Because "The last forest fire was a couple years ago". Yeah. Where'd the fucking ash come from?

The sun got covered up. Normally, I'd be the happiest fucking dwarf on the planet if it got a little dimmer and easier on my eyes, but no. It's a giant cloud. Of yellow fucking ash. And so I say "Well, it's ash. Fuck." Fuck! Then the giant fucking mosquito buzzes right into that fucking cloud and DROPS DEAD. ON THE SPOT. Things sure are fucking different now, bastards! Everyone rushes into the hallway we dug last week, and the damned fucking thing misses us by about two fucking meters. The casualty was my cat. My favorite cat. It wasn't my pet, but we were probably meant for each other. Then the fucking giant mosquito starts twitching.

"Mosquitoes twitch when you kill them normally, Cilob! Stop complaining!" says that fucking twat Thikut. Well, he turns out to be a fucking dumbass. I knew it. So this giant FUCKING MOSQUITO gets up, covered with this instant you just plain fucking die ash, and buzzes off to whatever goddamn sphincter it crawled out of. Then the cat gets up, too. Its heart falls out through its chest cavity. The way it oozed isn't the thing I'd like to forget most, but it's probably in the top fucking six. No, seven. Fuck! And there was also a fucking zombie rabbit but who the fuck cares about fucking rabbits?!

The cat begins lurching towards us. My cat. My buddy cat guy. Or was it a girl cat? Damn! Now, Urdim is almost done the drawbridge to seal us the fuck off from this hellhole filled with zombie mosquitoes and giant clouds of doom, but he's still hauling a huge fucking boulder up the stairs. So we send the military.

Olin and Litast grab their copper hammers. I'll never forget the look in their eyes. Maybe they were more fucking terrified than I was. Now I'm messing up the tenses! Ha! No, this happenED in the past. But it's still happening. They rush towards this cat, and swing. It blocks their hammer strikes effortlessly. I mean, fuck! It's a fucking cat! It's not about strength, because Litast is burly as fuck! And this cat blocked it! Its arm didn't budge an inch! And it kept going. But hell, it's still a cat. It was too small to do much damage and ran off. It didn't meow anymore. They had probably crushed its throat.

The momentary break gives us a chance to unload the shit from the caravan and seal ourselves off forever. This goes very well until the giant fucking mosquito comes buzzing in from the very pits of hell itself, glittering ash cascading off its wings. That sounds gay. It's not. It's fucking terrifying. And it jabs its pointy hell-pointy-thing into Thikut and he stops moving. Then a fucking hamster man comes and punches straight through his heart. A HAMSTER MAN. I used to have a hamster as a kid. Apparently the man version isn't fucking around. Well, we get the fuck out of there. Up goes the bridge and in go us! Urist the Mad said that the dead come back to life here, before he died of acute brain failure caused by fifty fucking pounds of steel to the face. Our hammerer didn't fuck around when it comes to insane babblings instead of mandates being fulfilled. If Thikut does come back, I want to fucking be there so I can slap him in the fucking face until he pisses his undead panties. And before we can close the bridge, the ash cat comes pouncing in.

Olin isn't fucking around this time. He knows it'll take more punishment than a BDSM expo in a tornado made out of serrated blades. So he hits it until the head is mush. Then he hits the body until it's got a soupy texture too. When he's done, it doesn't look like a cat. It looks like a fucking meat puddle. We really need to get rid of it. If it reanimates too, it's going to have fun flopping around everywhere. It left its entire jaw inside, and we're really hoping there's not enough ash on it to get us, too.



Now, this is a journal, and it's really fucking well-hidden. So to the poor sod who finds this, I leave a final note:

Fuck you! If you're agonizingly dying of starvation while your undead friends are banging on that beautiful gneiss drawbridge outside, then I hope you know that I probably died first, and I bet I did it way classier than you. Hell, pull that fucking lever. If you dare. Twat.

~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, this is fun. This is very fun.

[MrWillsauce]

I love it. Moar.

[Wrex]

So, how's this ash kill people? I bet that's how the guarddorf died, infection from the bite wound.

[Xenir]

THAT ENTIRE FUCKING POST IS JUST BEGGING TO BE SIG'D

[Volfgarix]

Sooo... I know now, why my Fortress story isn't interesting for other people:
 Too weak commentary from me, lack of terrifying biome, everybody didn't like when somebody plan kill ponies... Ok...

[GoombaGeek]

Sooo... I know now, why my Fortress story isn't interesting for other people:
 Too weak commentary from me, lack of terrifying biome, everybody didn't like when somebody plan kill ponies... Ok...

Honestly, it's because not many people really like ponies and aren't willing to read a ton of stuff about them. And the fan attitude makes it worse. In every signature you see stuff like "Brony and proud of it!" or "I'm a brony, care to make something of it?". It's like yes, we get it, if you get into a fucking fight about a TV show then you're fucking prepared!

Anyway, current updates involve everyone being sad except Cilob, interestingly enough. She's pretty damned happy considering the whole ordeal.

As for the ash cloud syndrome, I honestly don't know, because it's really fast-acting. At least, if the thrall clouds work the way I think they do. Maybe they work instantly and don't carry a syndrome D:

Luckily, Thikud is staying where he was killed and has been non-undead for a while, so this may not be a reanimating biome.

I'm also playing my personally modded DF which adds two handy minor things:
- Dragons can breed
- Cobaltite + flux can be refined into cobalt, a valuable (something like a x18 multiplier, I believe) but mostly useless metal like gold. It's blue due to artistic license and the only civs that get it are dwarves and... kobolds. Geddit?!

EDIT: Actually, the farmer is the dead one, from hamster man trauma. Both hammerdwarves are alive and uninjured

[Volfgarix]

Honestly, it's because not many people really like ponies and aren't willing to read a ton of stuff about them.

Wait, if people didn't like ponies, why they won't enjoy killing them? I'm planning kill them Goddammit!

 On other way... Good Fortress story, man.

[GoombaGeek]

Urdim's Masonry Log

Obsidian 26, 249

Oh boy! Soon it will be Granitte Mug Day, and another new year will be Rung in! But that ys nott all! Its almost 250, and when we consulted Urist the Mad's latest Pocket Report of Madnesse (can you beleve he's at volume 17 now?!), it says that 250 will bring in great opertunities, riches for all, and slow creeping death for everyone in the Fortriss followed by an attack by an Unholy Betentacléed Abominatione! But everyone knows that poor oldde Urist only Predictes things right about half the time so we can'tt wait! Why was I writing this?? Yes! Today, I was givven the Privilige of hauling Bomrek's Grate of Greatnesse to the Dining Hall so that All Dwarfenkind may admire it! Soon I may be entitled to use one of the Masonry Workshops - notte that Building walls gets tiresome after a few years, but it would be Nice to actually Work the Craft, ha ha.

~~~~~~~~~~

The next few pages are stained with a foul purple liquid.

~~~~~~~~~~

Limestone 17, 250

This damned log! Oh yes, it's all good to trick poor Urdim into winning the Wine-Quaffing Contest even when Lokum Okirurbam, Terror of Ten Thousand Mugges, passes out from plump helmet poisoning. Oh yes. "You can win this, Urdim! One more pint!" Maybe I should have PAID ATTENTION when the LEGENDARY BREWER WAS KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS. I won a trophy, and it is my only possession that's staying in my bedroom instead of being brought along because big plans are in the works involving my deportation. I don't remember what I did, but I did stagger awake, a week later. The room was full of broken furniture. I asked, "Why aren't you fixing it?" They said "We have been. All week.". Shit! Later, the doctor said that it was a latent allergy that was nudged out of hiding by gross overdosage of the allergen, causing me to go berserk for about four days. Nobody talks to me anymore. I sat, staring at my ceiling, for about three fucking months. I taught myself how to spell properly. I was brought food, probably out of fear, but not a single plump helmet. I'm actually craving one of the damn things now. At least they're dependable, unlike these bastards.

Opal 2, 250

Good news! We're on the road, at last! I realized that it's probably all for the best. I can finally practice my masonry in a secure outpost, and maybe even start my own Granite Mug Day celebration next year.

Obsidian 28, 250

Something terrifying jumped into our caravan and bit off the steering wheel, which made it collapse. In retrospect, buying the Do-Itte-Yourself Easy Caravan may have been a bad idea, and we didn't bring a carpenter. So we're stuck. Oh well, let's get to it!

~~~~~~~~~~

Slate 14, 251

HAPPY GRANITE MUG DAY

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Cilob's Diary, CONTINUED

Today we lost another fucker. We had finally made a fucking drawbridge to pound that liquefied cat into firmament, and I myself did the mechanisms connecting it to the lever. Unfortunately, Eral was standing under it when it fell.

There was a squelch.

He's gone. It's like he never existed. His pick has vanished too. Fuck. He wasn't a close friend, but another dwarf has died in this hellish place, and this time it's my fault. I pulled that lever. I dropped that fucking bridge. And now he's dead. Rest in peace, Eral. May you forever enjoy being free from this fucking place. Now there are only five of us left. I can feel these hallways getting smaller. What will happen next?! Only one miner left, Ezim. Will she be crushed by a cave-in? Will Olin or Litast snap, and pound the rest of us into paste like they did to that cat? Will Urdim smash my skull with a barrel of wine? I remember the things he did. He's a dangerous bastard. We're all dangerous bastards. The farm plot isn't done yet, but I wedged a single chunk of plump helmet in the hard-packed clay above that bridge, the bridge that killed him. Maybe one day it'll grow into a magnificent ceiling-forest of fungi, and the rich inhabitants of Bronzebow will laugh, and pluck one off the ceiling, and reminisce about the hard old times so they could live their lives of luxury.

P.S.: Fuck those future bastards. When everyone was asleep, I pulled it out, tossed it under the bridge, and threw the lever. I think it's more fitting. Goodbye, Eral. I'm sorry.