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Author Topic: I wrote a (Really) short story  (Read 1508 times)

Smitehappy

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I wrote a (Really) short story
« on: May 03, 2012, 03:54:17 pm »

I'm a college student at Dakota State University. Being a Computer and Network security major means that I'm not exactly a literary genius. That didn't stop my Intro to Lit teacher from assigning me a short story assignment however and I wanted some input on the story I threw together in the last few hours. It's already three pages passed the required limit and I've had to leave out a lot of details to keep from running on too long so if a lot of details are missing (Like why no one noticed people in the adjacent buildings) don't think too much of it.

Without further ado.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

*edit* See my comment below for an update
« Last Edit: June 25, 2012, 11:37:17 pm by Smitehappy »
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Interestingly, Armok's name actually originates from arm_ok, a variable in one of Toady's earlier games that kept track of how many of your arms weren't missing.

AlStar

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Re: I wrote a (Really) short story
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2012, 04:26:11 pm »

I like it - spooky.

I don't really have time right this second to give a detailed critique, but just a couple minor things that popped out at me:

Quote
...while I was watching the sea I saw a group OF things moving through the water’s surface again, directly towards the building...

Quote
Luke, the amateur starwatchingER that lives on the forty-eighth floor told Gerry...

eerr

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Re: I wrote a (Really) short story
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2012, 05:07:53 pm »

http://www.winepressofwords.com/2011/06/what%E2%80%99s-your-perspective-writing-from-the-correct-point-of-view-2/

Namely inconsistent pov-!


I also started ranting about not knowing when monday and sunday are, but uh, I guess that's taken care of by the title. Whoops. I hope it's a big title!, cuz a title that says wednesday number number number is so boring I didn't read it.
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AlStar

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Re: I wrote a (Really) short story
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2012, 01:59:14 pm »

Namely inconsistent pov-!

Where'd you run into that? I didn't notice anything (certainly nothing explanation-point worthy) when I read over it the first time, nor when I quickly skimmed over the story a second time, specifically looking to see if I could find someplace where he'd really gotten his PoV mixed up.

Fiskav

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Re: I wrote a (Really) short story
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2012, 06:07:15 am »

.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2015, 08:15:33 am by Fiskav »
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Svarte Troner

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Re: I wrote a (Really) short story
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2012, 10:57:23 am »

That was an interesting read. It kinda had a "Cloverfield" vibe to it, but without giant crab monster things. I was waiting for the final stand on the roof of the building, with black sea people rushing onto the roof and annihilating the survivors.  ;)
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Smitehappy

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Re: I wrote a (Really) short story
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2012, 11:36:34 pm »

Oh god I forgot I put this here. Yeah the story needs some work. I wrote it the night before it was due so it was pretty rushed and has a LOT of issues with consistency and pacing. My Intro to Lit teacher picked me out specifically and asked me to do a "Lovecraftian" themed story instead of my own since he's never read anything from the genre. For any of those not aware the Lovecraft style of writing tends to establish a character slowly, revealing some sort of guilt or fate that leads the character on when any sane person would get the hell out of dodge. Forbidden knowledge is usually discovered leading the character into a maddened decline while the frailty of things are called into question. Yadda yadda. Basically it takes time and exposition to really get the true Lovecraft vibe. As I said earlier I did not have that time due to a prodigious amount of procrastination. It's noticeable about halfway through the story when everything starts happening too quickly. People disappear before they really become characters, the unknown "things" are barely touched on and the hero succumbs too fast to really mean anything. It's kinda creepy but to call it "Lovecraftian" is a pretty generous thing to do.

For example, the story takes place in a high rise apartment so one can assume that there are other tall buildings around and yet not a single person comments on seeing other people in other buildings. It's easily solved by saying the apartment was the only completed building of a failed property development so it's the only tall building around or something along those lines. I'm hesitant to do that though as it's a cop-out so I'll probably work something out. There are a lot of little things too that I'd have to re-read to remember.

I like the premise though and I'm hoping I manage to motivate myself to actually get this to a presentable state. Yeah. 
« Last Edit: June 26, 2012, 02:06:40 am by Smitehappy »
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Interestingly, Armok's name actually originates from arm_ok, a variable in one of Toady's earlier games that kept track of how many of your arms weren't missing.