Bay 12 Games Forum

Here I've compiled some funny stories from my fort of Lashsyrups:
The artifact perfect white jade Bigsmears, stored in the fort's tavern, has been stolen over twenty times over the course of five years - mostly by goblins, but I've had, among other things, a very obvious vampire, two werepanthers (one of which infected the duchess, see below)... and the World's Dumbest Dwarf, Urist Tangledaxe, who has multiple times dodged into the magma moat while fighting goblins. He's currently in the hospital for the fifth time, his iron gauntlet having melted and taken with it his left hand (I was planning on discharging him from the army anyway). Hopefully Urist's new injury will teach him not to deal with the devil goblins again.
Three non-thief questers so far came seeking Bigsmears - two elves and a human. Somehow, nobody told them about it, so they just left in disappointment. The first thief of Bigsmears was our very own hammerer, Otol, who was promptly whacked thrice with his own artifact lead hammer by the captain of the guard, Sanam Blackring. Sanam is a pretty badass guy in general, having a kill count of fifty, being known for the trove of literature he stole from a grey parrot woman necromancer I like to call Polly. Sir Blackring is also one of the lonelier dwarves of the fortress, as despite being mayor he has only three friends - an ex-speardwarf now retired as a surgeon, the duchess (see above), and his daughter Istreth, also a former militia-dwarf, whose lower spine was shattered by a goblin lasher.
A delusional speardwarf - one of our most skilled, unfortunately, went berserk after entering a fey mood and not being supplied any shells. Well 'scuse me
mate, but the only source of water on this map is that bloody cave river (literally. Two whole tribes of amphibian men, fifteen strong each, fell down there
and fought an FB, before dying and leaving blood everywhere). DO YOU SEE ANY CAVE TURTLES HERE, ORSTUT? DO YOU? No? Alright then, take a bloody hammer to the face.
I suspect Sanam's lack of friends is due to the dozens of surgical scars he has on his torso, arms, and face, the aftermath of a particularly lengthy excision surgery in 289 (current year 302) after an encounter with a particularly !!fun!! titan resembling a spider made of bronze, endowed with an extremely dangerous necrosis-causing spittle.
Also, our resident goblin werepanther duchess (once a visiting poet) has married the love of her life, once a goblin visitor as well, and then promptly turned into a werepanther, killed two of the wedding guests, infected another four (including her new wife), and then quietly turned back. I've built a nice set of rooms for her and the duchess consort, including a food/drink chute and all of the fortress's literature, before locking them in with an artifact floodgate to prevent more incidents.
Finally, "Polly" the parrot woman necromancer sent over two zombie minotaurs to attack Lashsyrups. They were both struck down by an ex-soldier engraver who shattered each beast's skull with a punch, before hefting one corpse over his shoulder, butchering it, and engraving the whole tale on the tavern walls.
(I've made minotaurs nonsapient in my game)